Monday, December 5, 2011

Mood shift

Today I am feeling very empowered and motivated. Much more than usual. I'm probably a little hypomanic. I say this because one day I was extremely depressed and down about having no friends, no life, etc. Then the next day I quickly developed a 'who gives a damn' mentality, and I really don't care that my friends seem to hate me. I feel determined to change my looks. I want to go shopping and get some new clothes. I am going to go have my hair cut and colored. Mentally I feel great, although I do feel short tempered and irritable. But after months of crying, it feels pretty good to not care and to be mentally free of those issues that consumed my every thought. Is it bad that I am enjoying this? Because this sure beats being sad and suicidal.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I feel so foolish for sharing my feelings sometimes. I don't know why I bother. I should know better. I guess you could say that my doing so is a cry for help. But it's not like I'm looking for pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want someone to understand, to relate.

I was rereading my blog post from June 28th, entitled 'sadness', and I feel exactly as I did then. And with every cycle, every depression I go through, it is always the same. The reasons almost never change. But the intensity of my feelings do get stronger. They get worse. I've been through 6 years of this crap so far, and every depressive episode is worse than the last. I know some people think that I like being sad. But I really do not think this is true. I want and need relief. I'd give anything to make this stop. Because even if I make it out alive through this depressive episode, it is only a matter of weeks or a couple months before I will be right back here. Only I am sure next time will be worse. It always is.

Sadly, if I could choose, I'd rather be manic. Because even though my thoughts, feelings and actions are volatile and much different than my 'normal' self, at least I wouldn't be severely depressed and want to end my life. I know I am sometimes afraid to try to really live my life. But this is not ever why I contemplate taking my life. It is always in an effort to stop the overwhelming heartache and pain I feel inside. I've had moderate to severe depression a lot in my life, for various reasons. But having depression that is due to a mental illness seems different. I find it harder to handle and cope with. And much harder to overcome. I really hate this.

Another low

I wish I had the courage and strength that others have, to truly live. I feel unbelievably inadequate in so many ways. I've been crying almost nonstop for days now. I just want this sinking dreadful feeling of being useless and worthless to go away. It's a relentless sharp pain deep in my heart. I feel so empty. So very sad. And it seems that everything reminds me of things I don't want to think about. I know I am falling fast into a severe depression once again. I really hate this. I feel so worthless. I need this pain to stop. It is getting very difficult to handle the heartache. Damn. What I wouldn't give to have someone hold me close right now. Maybe somehow it could ease my pain and tears. I don't remember the last time I was held close and really felt safe, secure and loved. It's been quite a long time, and I miss it so much. I need that kind of loving support and reassurance. But I can't make anyone do something that they don't want to do.

I know people say it is selfish to take one's life. But isn't it selfish too, if I stay around knowing that I am nothing but a burden and cause of pain to the people I care about? For the very few who do care, sure they might be sad if I die, but then they can move on and live happier without me bringing them down. But the longer I am here, the more they'd end up suffering, having to deal with me. I don't ever want to hurt the people I love, in any way. But these feelings I have, this pain, the heartache; it is so extreme. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much longer I can cope.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

A small bit of hope

It is 6 a.m. and I am laying here in bed, unable to sleep. I'm just not tired. In fact, I've been awake all night. And I don't really know why. But, before I even try to sleep, I have one thing on my mind.

It amazes me how much one little thing, even as simple as an online message from a dear friend who is far away, can make such a difference. I mean, my whole friendship with them means so much. But tonight, their message meant a lot. At a time when I felt no one cares if I even exist... that message was just what I needed. To hear that I was missed made me feel less alone. It renewed a little bit of hope in me, that maybe my life isn't as pointless as it feels. In that moment I was happy. I wish I could hold onto this smile. But I know all too well that nothing good ever seems to last, no matter how much I want them to.

Friday, November 25, 2011

This is no life

It amazes me; all the unique and special abilities, talents, and skills that people can have. Their good qualities that seem to help make this world not feel so harsh.

I always thought I was a good person. I always wanted to help others, and it never mattered to me what I had to give up to help them. Lately though, it seems I cause more heartache and problems for the people I care about. I make no useful contribution to their lives, nor to anyone or anything. I don't have any useful talents or skills. And with all the medication I am on, I sure as hell don't feel smart anymore.

I honestly just sit at home, doing nothing. My health- both physical and mental- just keeps getting worse. And there is so very little I can do about it. I have like two friends, that I hardly ever see anymore, and family who is so far away. My life is nothing more than taking up space between the walls of this house. I'm never going to do anything great or special. I'm no one, and it sucks. I hate myself, and I hate my life, if you can even call this living.

I used to be so full of hope. My life used to have meaning; a purpose. Now I sit here crying, wishing I could no longer exist. To no longer "be". I'm beyond miserable. And the worst part? No one even notices or cares.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The past few months

It's been awhile since I wrote my thoughts here. And with how I've been lately, I thought it might help to get it out. I haven't really been the same since August of this year. Three months.

I came back from visiting family in August, and things went downhill from there. Fast. See, whenever I go home, I am quickly reminded of the people I miss dearly. And even though I have a couple people here that I care about, the grief and emptiness I feel when I come back here is always so overwhelming. And maybe too its because when I am here, there is a constant reminder of my bleak reality. Reminders of how I can't do much at all because of my health. I feel like such a bad housewife. I can't ever seem to keep the house clean, I rarely cook, I cannot work. All too often I feel like I have no purpose at all. I feel beyond worthless. It doesn't help that I have so few friends, none of which can truly relate to me. I feel so alone. And even though those few who care tell me they love me, it is difficult to believe them. I feel so worthless.

Well, within days of my returning here, I was severely depressed. And suicidal. A timely previously-scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist led to an increase in my anti depressant. Which helped for a little while.

Then came October. Specifically, October 17th. The 10 year anniversary of my father's death. It was really hard on me. Even though he had his issues and wasn't perfect, I miss him. I really do.

All the while I'd been dealing with my bad health getting worse. It was estimated that my liver was functioning at around 17% at that time. I was feeling especially suicidal and decided to use that knowledge. I drank. A lot. And of course I consumed plenty of pills along with the alcohol. I remember I just sat on the couch, crying. Crying so hard that my insides hurt. My heart hurt in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. I wanted all the emotional pain and anguish to stop.

Well, the alcohol made me violently ill, and I spent the evening throwing up and still crying. All the while still feeling all the sadness inside. The disappointment I have, of things I've done, who I am, and of course all the things I can't do or be.

The alcohol of course hurt my liver even more, bringing the percentage of how it was functioning down to 8%. I've been sick ever since. Days going through physical withdrawal from certain pills I took that day. Then I had the flu. Then I never got rid of that "not well", feeling and soon developed a cold and now bronchitis.

All the depression along with being sick, I again feel myself sliding more towards not wanting to live. I'm such a damn burden, and I contribute nothing that is worthwhile to anyone or anything. I feel so empty and lonely. Every day I wake up and dread even getting out of bed. There just doesn't seem to be any point anymore.

In the past few years, life feels like nothing but a sick joke. I'm tired of it all. A tormenting cycle of mistakes, severe depression, and unsuccessful suicide attempts. I often catch myself wondering, "why the hell can't I just die??"

Saturday, July 9, 2011

So-Called Friends

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true, and who would risk it all for you."

"I showed you the sunshine, made you forget the pain. You showed me the darkness, and left me in the rain."

"The biggest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love and to be hated by a person for whom you care."

'A Fake Friend'

Friends aren't supposed to leave you
Not when they said they'd care
Friends who turn around and run
When hard times they wouldn't bear
All the good things, the memories
We so happily once shared
Now bring me hurt and misery
Pain, heartache; I'm despaired

I believed in you and was a fool
I'll now take care, be wise 
The worst part is knowing that
all you said were only lies
Good at getting what you want
Of which I do despise
Should've known you didn't care
When I looked into your eyes

My heart torn and damaged
I no longer find the joy
With even the little things in life
Since you played me like a toy
Tears streaming from my eyes
Our friendship you destroyed
You've used me for the last time
I hope your life you do enjoy...

Yes, I just wrote that poem.
Why do I do this to myself? I think my problem is that I care way too much about people. I want to help them. And I trust too easily. I put my heart out there, to be a friend. I do all I can to help, show how much I care, and love that person unconditionally, but it always ends up the same way; with me getting hurt. You think I'd learn my lesson by now. I am sick and tired of being back-stabbed, lied to, manipulated and used. I am tired of being judged because of my past or my illness. Neither of those things is who I am. But it seems most people cannot look past those things.

It's too bad, because I am a good person. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try my very best. I'm the kind of person who gives up my own comfort so that someone else doesn't have to hurt or suffer. I care so much about my friends. But it seems they never really care back. They just use me and get what they can from me, and then they turn around and stab me in the back in some way or another. Well, my latest friend who did this, really broke my heart. And while I am so sad, and I miss them, I know I deserve to be treated better than this. No one should have to endure such verbal abuse like that. I've got enough issues I deal with - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I really don't need any more negativity in my life.

It's a shame when friendships end in this tragic way. But, I guess what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger. I will move on with my life, take the lessons I've learned, and hope I don't make the same mistakes ever again. I just wish it was easy to erase someone you cared for so much from your mind. Because despite all the hurt and pain, for some reason, I still miss that person. And I cry just thinking about it. Shoot, I must be REALLY messed up. What is WRONG with me?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Doctors can be so useless

I am really starting to think that doctors in general are just useless. Sure, they can help for the little things. But God forbid you have an issue they can't figure out. Then, they start throwing pills at you. Take this. Oh, that didn't work? Here, try this one. I am tired of this! It is bad enough that I am already taking enough pills for bipolar, thyroid, PCOS, and my back injury. I don't need a doctor giving me random pills on the off chance they might work. How about doing some tests? Having a headache for a month straight can't be normal. I told her I hit my hear really hard a few months ago. That didn't seem to matter to her. If it was me, I'd have done an MRI or x-ray by now. But, no.

First her brilliant idea is for me to stop taking all pain medications for a week. No ibuprofen, aspirin, sudafed, pain killers, nothing. Which by the way, did not make my headache go away, and it made me feel unnecessary suffering with my back for a week, which made me absolutely miserable.

So then she gives me a different kind of muscle relaxers than I usually take for my back. Supposedly this other kind helps with headaches caused by muscles. Ok. So, I tried it. Took it at night like she told me to, for a few days. But i had to stop taking it. When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I had a terrible hangover. It was really not fun.

So then at the beginning of this week, she puts me on an anti depressant. For my headache. Um, ok...? At which point I started wondering how smart that is. Hey, let's give this girl, who is bipolar, and is on a mood stabilizer and an anti depressant already, another anti depressant to see if her headache goes away. I don't understand this reasoning at all. And when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, I asked the pharmacist if taking a second anti depressant will mess with me or the fact that I am already on one, etc. And, without looking at any of my information, he says "no, it shouldn't." Oh, thank you so much for making me feel so safe coming to you for advice on my medications.

So, I call my primary physician this afternoon, to tell her that her wonderful plan of putting me on a second anti depressant has yet to work, and that I am fed up with being in all of this pain. Her answer? I almost couldn't believe it while I heard it. Basically, according to her, she has given me all the medications she can think of to get rid of my headache. So, if I want, she can set me up with a neurologist which may take weeks or months to get into, or I can go to the emergency room and see if they can give me something. Ok, now I have to decide to either wait forever to see a different doctor, or go to the emergency room. And what makes it even better, is that my deductible for hospital / ER visits isn't cheap. What the hell. I guess I have no choice. Ibuprofen, aspirin, Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen, muscle relaxers, heat, ice, sudafed, drinking more water... argh! nothing has helped at all.

So, what the hell?! Has the medical world gone freakin nuts? Or is it just me? I am still debating on what to do. I should probably just go to the ER. I have had enough of this headache. Bleh.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

People puzzle me

I don't understand how anyone could be so nasty, vindictive, and just plain mean. Maybe because I am nothing like that. And my best friends and family are not like that at all either. I feel pity for people who are so selfish, insecure, and have so much hate inside, that they take it out on others that they supposedly care about. It's a shame, because by doing so, they will only make their own lives miserable, pushing away people who care. It's very sad that often those people end up all alone with no one. What kind of life is that? Surely not a happy, fulfilling one. And yet they do it to themselves anyways. =(

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Have you ever tried so hard to fight back the tears welling up in your eyes? To fake being ok while inside your soul is just dying? It's not even an issue of feeling worthless and alone much anymore. I've gone over all the many things that make me feel how I am feeling right now, a thousand times. Those things, those issues, they never change. At least not for the better.
It's like as time goes by, the reality of my situation sinks in deeper and deeper. Like a poison slowly killing my spirit. It's a sad realization I must face that this is my sad pathetic life, and it's not going to change. I'd like to think it might, but I know better. And the feelings it stirs up in me are dreadful. I have not only so much sadness in my heart, but also a lot of anger. I am so mad at myself and my illnesses. I feel like my whole life is now out of my control, which ironically is mostly my fault. I'd give anything to be happy.
It's been so long since I've sincerely smiled, since I've felt true joy. And the few times I do smile, it's because of kind people I barely know. People who more than likely could not help me anymore than I could help myself.
And love. I want so badly to feel loved. It breaks my heart that those who claim to love me only hurt me in someway or another. I wish so much to be held close, to feel secure in a man's embrace. I want to be kissed softly on the lips. I want a man to say something sweet to me and actually mean it, and not just because he's trying to use me.
Oh well. A girl can dream, can't she? It seems dreams are all I have to keep me going nowadays. The small glimmer of hope those dreams give me are the reason I bother to even get out of bed most days.
I am so fed up with just being technically alive. I want to live. Really live. I am fed up with all that my life has turned out to be because of my stupid mistakes. I am fed up with the illness I have, both mental and physical. And I am fed up with taking pills to mask symptoms and faking smiles to avoid reality. I'm so close to being done with it all. No, I'm not suicidal... yet. I just envy those people who have something to live for. It just doesn't seem fair.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


"Whatever results you’re getting, be they rich or poor, good or bad, positive or negative, always remember that your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world. If things aren’t going well in your outer life, it’s because things aren’t going well in your inner life. It’s that simple."
T. Harv Eker

I've been thinking so much lately. Where did all my happiness go? My positive outlook? The simple joys and pleasures in life? It seems like I am nothing but a shell of the person I used to be. I barely even smile anymore. I don't enjoy my every day life. My thoughts are usually consumed by the never-ending aches and pains I feel. Not to mention the feeling that my life has become pointless, that it has no more meaning. I don't go to school. I don't work. I don't volunteer my time teaching anymore. I usually stay home and rest, because the physical pain I am in makes it difficult to do things I need to get done, like cleaning. And the mental exhaustion and emotional pain I feel makes me feel so unmotivated to do anything. I don't even do the things I used to enjoy doing anymore.

And on top of that, I feel so lost. I know what I want. I know what I need. The problem is, sometimes they seem like very different things. I guess I am just scared. I am seriously doubting my purpose in life, I feel inadequate in so many aspects, and I never feel "good enough" for anything or anyone. I know I need to do something. Anything. Because sitting here, watching the world pass me by, is doing nothing but making me feel more down. Why does my life, and the road to happiness, seem so complicated? I just don't know what to do.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Medication updates

So, four weeks ago (a day after my psychiatrist had increased my Lithium and decreased my Cymbalta) my primary doctor put me on Metformin. Basically, it is a medication usually given to people who have type 2 diabetes. I do not have diabetes, but I have PCOS and therefore, high blood sugar. The medicine is supposed to help control the amount of glucose (sugar) in my blood, decrease the amount of glucose I absorb from my food and the amount of glucose made by my liver, as well as increase my body's response to insulin.

Well, my doctor mentioned ever so briefly that I should watch my diet and eat healthy. She really could have been more specific. Like, for instance, she could have specified that I really need to limit the starches I eat. That would have been helpful. See, for at least 2 weeks I was so unbelievably sick. Felt sick to my stomach, intestinal issues, headaches... in short, I felt like crap. If I ate, I felt sick. If I didn't eat, I felt sick. Then finally my sister in law, who is an EMT, told me to avoid starches. It's amazing how much of a difference that made. I mean, I was eating healthy, but I was still eating starches too.

Turns out, that there are a lot of starchy foods that I would normally eat. Bread, pasta, rice, cereal, potatoes, corn, to name a few. It took a few days after cutting almost all starches out until I started to feel better, but I am so glad it worked. I feel a ton better! I just hope that this medicine does its job.

And thankfully, the Lithium seems to be doing its job quite well. I am no longer hypomanic. And I haven't gone into depression again. I have, though, been kind of irritable and my patience seems to be running short, but I could think of a reason or two why that might be, which I won't even get into. But anyways, despite that, I actually feel kind of "normal", if there even is such a thing. And it feels great to just feel relatively happy. I haven't felt like this in so very long. I like it. But I know it will not last forever. I know sooner or later I will go towards an extreme, either high or low. It's inevitable. I just hope it is later than sooner...

Friday, April 29, 2011


Less than a month away, I will officially be a year older. Thinking about that makes me sad. And it's not just because I am getting older. I am sad because I have allowed yet another year of my life to just pass me by. I've done nothing with my life so far. Nothing important at least. It seems my life here on this earth has been a waste.
The other day a friend of mine asked me what my dreams for my life are. You know, I don't really have any specific dreams. I've become so weighed down with my health problems, my issues and my past that I have forgotten to really live. And the sad part is that I am not even sure I know how to really live. How to dream. How to have hope. It all seems so foreign to me sometimes.
I envy those happy people with their happy lives. Why is it so hard for me to be happy? It doesn't seem fair. But then again, perhaps this is the life I deserve after all. It just sucks, and it is hard for me to accept such a bleak future. I want so much more.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Let's rethink this

So, I've always wanted kids. I love children. But, recently I had decided to put that off seeing as how I should really focus on my mental health first before even thinking about getting pregnant. And, of course, I don't really think I should bring a child into this world knowing that there is a good possibility that I pass my issues on to them. Well, yesterday, I was reminded of yet another reason why I may not want children.

Yesterday I was subjected to my 8 year old nephew who has ADHD. The day started off okay. Then came the hour I needed to watch him for his mother, while she was in a consult with a doctor. An hour with him in a waiting room full of people. Oh, and by the way, he is not currently on any medications for his ADHD.

I don't even know how to describe the hell I went through, trying to keep him under control and getting him to do his school work while trying not to lose my cool. As I've mentioned, I've been hypomanic. I have like no patience for anything at all, and I get very irritable and frustrated easily. I swear I wanted to kill the child at one point. And I would've smacked him on the rear if I knew it wouldn't have caused even more of a scene. I really did not want any more attention drawn to us. It was bad enough that everyone on our side of the waiting room kept staring. And I am sure others were too. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.

In that hour, he managed to piss me off, aggravate others, disrupt the peace in the waiting room, and only got one math sheet done. His mother came out of the consult, and I just looked at her. I didn't even really have to say anything to her. She just knew.

I was hoping that with her around again he'd start to behave a little better. Because he is usually not that bad. But of course not. He was acting terrible, running his mouth at every opportunity he could. By the time we finally made our way back from running around, several hours later, we had all had enough. So, it made me feel a little better that it wasn't just me who felt that way.

Either way, I thought about it, and I really couldn't handle a child like that. Not with my extreme mood swings and what not. I must say, watching him was great birth control. And the way I see it, that is saving me a lot of money. Because I know kids are not cheap. Not to mention the amounts of meds and the therapy I'd have to be in to handle having children and not end up killing them.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Mood swings

Talk about mood swings. I go from being depressed for 2 1/2 months, to being hypomanic for a week. Thursday I was back to feeling hopeless and depressed again. And Friday I felt mostly agitated and incredibly irritable. Not that I was in a bad mood. It's just that every little thing was pissing me off and making me either mad or upset. Like, on the way home from the doctor today there was a guy who was riding my bumper for miles, even though I was doing 5 over the speed limit. I was getting so frustrated and angry that I just wanted to slam on the brakes and let him hit me. The only reason I did not do so is because I had a passenger with me, and I value their life and well-being.

My husband takes the biggest brunt of my frustration though. Perhaps it is because I deal with him more than anyone else. Either way, I have very little patience for him. And everything he does lately gets on my nerves. And it's not really his fault. In general, I just feel like punching something. And that says a lot, since I am not even remotely a violent person. I wonder how I will be tomorrow. If I had the choice, I'd opt for a happy good mood. But I have this feeling that might not be the case. We shall see...

By the way, my psychiatrist changed my medication dosage when I saw him on Tuesday. He upped my Lithium from 600mg/day to 900mg/day and lowered my anti depressant (Cymbalta) from 120mg/day to 60 mg/day. I sure hope he knows what he is doing. Especially since my primary doctor seems to be worried about the interactions between the Lithium and other medications I am on. There are all kinds of warnings about taking any NSAID's with Lithium, and, well, I take 800mg of Ibuprofen 3x a day. So, yeah... I guess they are going to have to monitor the amount of Lithium in my blood because of that. Ugh, fun. I hate blood tests. I hate medication. I hate being sick, and I hate going to doctors so often. Bleh. Okay, I am done complaining for now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I feel so lost. So confused. And utterly heartbroken. I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do with my life. My life was filled with such meaning and hope. Not to mention I was content and much happier than I have been in the past few years.
I have a massive headache, so I've been laying here in bed trying to get rid of it. I ended up doing a lot of thinking. And praying. I am so torn inside, and I just don't know what to do anymore. These thoughts I have are nothing new. However they really bother me.
See, I feel like such a terrible person. I really hate myself for the bad things I've done in my life, especially while manic. I've screwed up my life in more ways than I'd like to admit. Not only has it destroyed just about any feeling of self worth I had, but I've completely ruined my relationship with God and some of my friends. And I've come way too close to losing the man I love. I am so very ashamed of the things I've done. The real me would never have done those things. And it breaks my heart that now those things will forever be a dark part of my life, a part of my past I can never erase. I have so much regret. I wish I could turn back time and do things way differently.
But, I can't. And that is what brings me so much heartache and causes me to feel so sad and depressed. What hurts the most though is knowing deep down that I don't deserve the privilege to have a relationship with God, to teach others about him, or to even serve Him. I know God is loving and forgiving. I know that. But I feel so strongly that I do not deserve such kindness. I have brought such reproach upon His name because of my actions. And that hurts me to know I've done that. Every time I pray I end up in tears, apologizing to Him for everything, saying how sorry I am. I want so bad to make Him happy. But I really really feel I could never. I feel like a very bad person. I do not deserve to have any blessings, any hope for the future, and I sure don't even deserve to live.
I'm not feeling suicidal. Just really depressed about my life. And what makes things even worse? I love my man so very much. But I wonder if in the long run he'd be better off without me. I am so scared to hurt him. And, I don't wanna ruin his life like I've ruined mine. But at the same time, I could never end things with him... he is all I have. Even though I know full well that I don't deserve him either. I don't deserve anything at all.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feeling good

Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I slept all morning and I stayed at home to avoid socializing with friends of mine. I felt miserable overall.

But today I am the complete opposite. It feels good, because I've been so depressed for months now... but it's scary too. Because this isn't just a good mood. I almost feel high. I have racing thoughts, and I can't seem to stop talking. And while I am talking, I keep switching subjects. I was talking to my love and he let me know when I changed topics drastically, which seemed to be every few sentences or so.

Also, I went out with a friend this afternoon, and we went shopping. Shopping sprees are one of the indiscretions I get involved in while hypomanic. We went to my favorite clothing store... and it was just a recipe for disaster. I ended up buying clothes I could not afford. In fact, $168 worth. It felt so good to shop and try clothes on. And when I bought them, I sure as hell wasn't thinking it was a bad idea. In fact, I am pretty sure I wasn't thinking about anything besides that I wanted those clothes. Even now, I know we have NO money, but I really don't care, and I don't feel bad about spending. That's not like me, to spend so much on myself and not care.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds for me. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to go back into depression, but I don't wanna be hypomanic either. Because the chances of me becoming hypersexual are way to high. And I really do not want to do anything stupid or foolish again. I live with enough regret and guilt from past indiscretions while hypomanic. I don't want any more.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Being myself

I can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally. They follow me closely from room to room, never leaving my side. They always sense when something is wrong. And when i cry, they cuddle up to me, as if they were trying to console me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them around. There is something so relaxing about petting and holding my dogs close when I am feeling hurt or upset. I love my babies.

As for the others I feel comfortable around - even then, sometimes, I feel like I need to be careful about what I say or what I reveal about myself. Not that I have any intentions of hiding myself from them. But I get scared as to what they may say to me or how they could view me if I am completely honest. Like, for instance, I don't always tell them what is going on in my head, because I am sure they would not understand some of it or why I think that way.

I've been withdrawing from people I usually have contact with during the week, including family. It's probably the depression making me feel like I do not want to be around anyone. I feel so... I don't know. Forlorn. Empty. Useless. Life feels hopeless and meaningless. I don't feel like killing myself or anything, but I sure don't have the will or energy to live, either. I've been on this stupid Lithium for almost 3 weeks now, and I have seen little change in my mood. This is beyond frustrating. I am sick and tired of feeling so depressed. This is not me. Though, I've come to wonder about who I really am, because I am starting to lose my own identity it seems.

Friday, April 8, 2011


I feel like running away. Just getting into the car, and going. Anywhere. Just start over somewhere else. I am so very unhappy with how my life is right now, how I've ended up. My life has never been perfect, but it's been better than this. And I know it's all my fault. I never had the guts to stand up for myself, to do what I really wanted to do. And now, it seems I must pay for it. I know some people would say that I could still change things, be who I want to be, do what I want, and be with who I want. But I know better than that. With this stupid illness the way it is right now, along with a host of other health problems, it is unlikely I could hold a decent job. And without a job, I have no money, and no hope of changing my life.

My life right now is nothing but staying at home, feeling like a prisoner in my own house. I sleep my life away. I have no motivation or desire to do anything at all. This is certainly not how I pictured my life being. I wanted to be helping people on a weekly basis. I wanted to have started a family by now. I wanted to travel. Try new things. But, alas, I've done nothing of the sort. It's like my illness has taken my life and will to live away from me.

It is so hard on me, to face my life. To face my disorder. To face reality. Far gone are the days where I was full of life, and was happy and healthy. Is it so terrible to want that back? I know its not going to happen, even though I wish it would. I am tired of living my pathetic life. Tired of having very little to look forward to. Is it terrible that I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again? Or wake up to a whole different life, one where I was happy and doing the things I like to do, living where I want to live?

I don't know. The past few days what I've needed the most is to feel loved, be encouraged, ... anything at all. But instead I've gotten nothing from anyone it seems. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I want and NEED some change. And soon.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I feel so dead inside. As if I am just barely alive. I'm conscious, sure, but I feel nothing. Nothing but this damn headache. I have no thoughts, no feelings, whatsoever. It's strange. I don't know whether I should enjoy this "peace" while I have it, or be scared of the silence inside of me? I just don't know.

I slept the majority of the day, and yet I don't remember dreaming. And the time I've been awake, I've felt like a zombie. I've done practically nothing in the few hours I've been awake. It's a good thing I didn't have anything I had to get done, because I did not even have the energy, desire, or motivation to accomplish anything. I even had to force myself to eat, because I could tell my blood sugar had dropped and I knew I needed to.

It is so quiet in this house. And I am so cold. It's unsettling. What I wouldn't give to have my love beside me right now, holding me close. I really do not want to be alone right now. I suppose I will just go back to sleep. It's the only way to make time pass by more quickly. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


At what point do the benefits of medication outweigh the side effects? I wonder sometimes. In the past 4 years or so, I've had my medications changed several times. Some worked for a while, others, not so much. Some gave me terrible side effects, and that made it necessary to go off of them.

A few months ago, I was taken off of Abilify because of intolerable side effects. But I was kept on an anti-depressant. Then they changed my anti-depressant because it wasn't working. Well, the new one alone hasn't been working, so he decided to put me on another mood stabilizer, Lithium. Now, I know that many have taken this medication and it has helped them. I've been on it for 5 days only, so I haven't seen any change yet. But I must say, after reading all the warnings, drug interactions, and side effects, I am scared! I hate change. I hate taking new medications, no matter what it is. And after reading all of that, it make me even more afraid. Which may sound silly to some people, but, I have enough health problems as it is, I don't really need any medications causing more.

I know the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are an important part of helping me not go off the deep end. And seeing as how I try so hard to be "normal", I keep on trying the medications my psychiatrist puts me on. It's sad though. Its almost like in the back of my head, I wish one of them would be a cure-all, magical pill. Like suddenly I won't have to deal with 'all of this' anymore. Even though I know that is not possible. I know I will deal with this crap for as long as I am alive.

I've been deeply depressed for long enough now. It is so very tiring- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope the Lithium helps the anti-depressant work better. And soon. I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I want so badly to just be normal. To be "in control". And, it'd be nice if certain people (like my mom for instance) could really understand what it is I go through, every day. Because "normal" people - while some try to sympathize, they can't fully understand or comprehend what those with bipolar disorder experience.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Personality test

So, I took a personality test just now. Turns out my scores were high in Borderline and Dependent. I'm not all that surprised, really. Here are the description of the two types:

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Here are my test results:

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||| 50%
Schizoid |||||||||||| 46%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 42%
Antisocial || 10%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 42%
Narcissistic |||| 18%
Avoidant |||| 14%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My mother's denial

So, I talked to my mother today on the phone. For 47 minutes. Most of which, was her lecturing me on what to do to feel better, or do better. I know she does this because she cares about me. But it's getting to the point where I am beginning to dread talking to her on the phone. Because the conversation always turns to this. Every time. For the past 4-5 years now.

See, now, I have been bipolar for about 5 years. I was officially diagnosed around 4 years ago. So, this condition is nothing new. I've come to grips with it. I've accepted it, and I try really hard to deal with it to the best of my ability. But my mother, that's a different story. She is still in complete denial that anything is really wrong with me. She refuses to accept the fact that I have a mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I am sure it is very difficult to accept that your child has something like that wrong with them. But this is getting a little ridiculous.

Today she went on a rampage about how my depression is probably because of the antidepressants I am on. Or maybe I need to think more positive, focus on positive things. Cut down on the carbs. Eat less meat. No more chocolate, because that can cause depression. I should exercise more. Maybe its just my thyroid causing depression. What about natural remedies? Etc. And somehow all these things will answer all my problems. It's so simple to fix, according to her. (I don't even know where she gets some of her information really)

She even tries to downplay the whole situation. She told me today that "we all have ups and downs. we all get depressed at one time or another". She refuses to listen to me and what I say. I try my best to explain exactly what my mood swings are like... that it's not as simple as being happy one minute and sad or down the next. I try to explain to her that the way I feel is not normal, even for me. And that that is how I know there is something more wrong to me than just feeling blue. I try to explain that when I am manic or very depressed, all sense of reason seems to go right out the window. I do and say stupid things I wouldn't normally do. Almost as if it wasn't me at all. I mean, even after the fact, it all just seems like a really bad nightmare, because it IS so contrary to the "real" me. I don't know how else to describe it.

What makes it more difficult for me to get her to understand all this, though, is that she doesn't know all the details of my extreme manic state and the extremes of my depressive states. If she knew the terrible things I've done while manic, the way I've really messed up my life, the way I act or react to things... Or if she knew just how depressed and suicidal I get, and how often, just maybe she would see that I am bipolar. But then again, maybe not, because she refuses to see it even now. I am sure she would make up some sort of excuse for my extreme behavior if she could.

The whole thing just stresses me out so much. There are a couple of others who know my situation, and they seem to understand (to the best of their ability) what's going on with me. And it helps so much to know there are a few people I can really rely on who will always be there for me, through the good times as well as the bad (and very bad) times. Even though these few people don't really know what it's like to be like this, I cherish these people for taking the time to try and help me, comfort me, and encourage me. Because it really is more difficult to deal with than the average person would think.

But especially, as long as my love tries his best to understand and be sympathetic towards my problems, and tries to really understand the complexity that is bipolar disorder, I'll be okay. I know I am in good hands and that he loves and cares about me.

A failed attempt

Ok, so, I thought I'd say something about last Friday night / early Saturday morning.

Well it is no secret that I have been going through depression for a few months now. There are so many reasons why I've wanted to end my life. And every week that passes, it seems like I just add to that list. Friday night I had had enough. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I got to the point where t I felt that I deserved to die.

And so I tried it. I tried to overdose on prescription medications.

First, I went to the kitchen. I literally chugged a bunch of cold jagermeister. (Probably like 4-6oz or so) It burned my throat and was so strong, but I didn't care. Then I headed to the bedroom. I took over a dozen muscle relaxers, several 800mg ibuprofen, and the handful of pain killers I had left. And seeing as how I took it all on an empty stomach, I felt it hit me pretty quick. I got light headed and a little dizzy. It didn't take long before my body started feeling really tired, like, a heavy feeling where it takes so much effort to just walk to the bed and lay down. I don't remember laying there for more than a minute or so before I fell asleep or passed out or whatever.

A couple hours later, I vaguely remember him coming into the room to let me know he was leaving for a while. A few hours after that, at approximately 12:30pm (much to my dismay), I woke up. Well, ok, let's put it this way: I was conscious. He was home again. Apparently for the next couple hours, everything I said made no sense. My brain was seriously messed up bad. There were even a couple times when, as I was talking, I thought to myself "what the hell am I talking about?" It was very weird, and scary too.

As I was "talking" to him, he must've asked me like 5 times "What are you on? Seriously?" But of course I did not tell them that the night before I drugged myself in hopes of dying. I would've ended up in a psychiatric hospital real quick I am sure. I even sent a weird text message to my mother in law. They had asked me what I was doing, and I replied with: 'Nothing ... snd you.watwatchi?' and then another text that said: 'Watch*' Good grief. She told me today she was and has been worried about me. Hmm... I wonder why? It is scary to think that overdosing (but not dying) and having to live with consequences like that - that's scary. So, I've decided that, if there is a next time, I will be sure to complete the task at hand.

Hopefully, though, there will be no next time. And on that note, I think I should call my psychiatrist and perhaps get my antidepressant or dosage changed or re-implement a mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic. Because if my depression is this bad, I can only imagine what my next manic episode could be like. And I certainly don't want that either.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days before I became bipolar. To be "normal" again - not being so damn crazy emotionally and mentally. **sigh**

Monday, March 14, 2011

~Simple Plan~

It is simply amazing to me how music can sometimes express exactly how we are feeling. I love listening to music where the lyrics mean something to me. When the singer sings with such emotion that you can empathize with them. These are two of my favorite songs from the band Simple Plan. They say what I cannot seem to put into words. I love it.

Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life

Simple Plan - Untitled

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Back to reality

Alright. I'm gonna start this post by saying that I am ok. Everything is ok... for right now. My last two posts are perfect examples of just how depressed a person can get when they are already emotionally unstable. I've been mildly-moderately depressed for about a month and a half now. And as you can see, it doesn't take much to turn me to a suicidal state of mind. What little stability I had at that moment, went right out the door. I panicked, as if like an animal being cornered, and I reacted in the only way I knew. The only thing I feel I have control over in my life right now - my actual life. At this moment in time, I am glad that I did not succeed in ending my life the other night.

I wonder sometimes if anyone else could ever feel this way that I do. To feel so many overwhelming emotions like this that it drives a person to think and act ... well, crazy.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.  ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Well, I tried to commit suicide last night. But obviously I did not succeed. But just because this attempt did not work doesn't mean I'm going to give up.

For some reason, a calm has come over me. Especially since I made the decision that I am going to do this. I am going to kill myself. To know I won't have to deal with this much longer, to have realized that this is the one part of my pathetic life I can actually control.

I have nothing good in my life. I am broke, I am mentally and physically sick. I can't work. I can't have children. Can't lose weight. I'm not attractive in any way, and I have pretty much no friends. So please, I don't want reasons to live. Because for me, there aren't any. I am so very sick of feeling depressed, lonely, unloved and worthless.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I know full well that I am just plain messed up. I know I need more reassurance than most women. I'm not one of those strong independent women who can stand on their own and don't need others approval to go on in life. In fact, I am the complete opposite. Which is kind of sad, I know. But really, I've felt so unloved, uncared about, so worthless, unneeded, useless, (blah blah blah), my whole life. And when I make myself vulnerable, by completely opening up and inviting someone to be a part of my life, I get so scared. I just need to know, from time to time, that they still care. And to hear those three words, I love you... well, that doesn't hurt either.

But I acknowledge the fact that I am more needy than most women. Maybe because of my history with relationships in general? Probably. It just terrifies me to think that the person will leave me. Abandon me. And I'm not talking about just any person here. I am talking about when I really open up my heart to love someone, and I give them all I have to offer, when I love them unconditionally- its then that I let my insecurities get the best of me. It doesn't seem to take much to make me doubt everything about myself. About the relationship. About everything in my life. It's so easy to go back to feeling no self worth when that is really all you've ever known.


Friday, March 4, 2011

the weekend

Right now, I think I may be one of the very few who actually DON'T look forward to the weekend. Because I am forced to face reality, get out of the house, and usually be around people. That means fake smiles, faking being happy, lying and misleading people into thinking everything is okay. I hate it, but it is easier than opening up and explaining everything. I'd much rather people I am in contact with on a regular basis just not know. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want any fake sympathy and insincere comments. And I HATE being the center of attention, no matter what the reason. So, yeah, currently the worst 2 days of the week for me.

But don't get me wrong. I am not usually a negative person. I am just tired of the charade. The acting like everything is fine, when it's not. Between the physical health problems I am dealing with right now, along with feeling moderately depressed lately, I just don't have the energy to deal with people. Especially inquiring people. I am hoping to lay low this weekend. But, if I do get out and socialize, I hope I at least get to have some fun. It's been a while since I've had any real fun.

a word about my father

I always envy those families that look so perfect. So normal. So happy all together. Granted I know every family has it's issues, whether it's visible to others or not. And sometimes their happiness is just an illusion. But I can't help but wonder what my life could've been like if my family while growing up was more normal (if there even is such a thing as 'normal').

My father was an alcoholic. My mom was (is) very overbearing and controlling.
I remember very little of my childhood. I don't know if I've just blocked it out or what. I remember a few good memories, like camping at a nearby state park as a family. Or fishing with my dad. I remember listening to my father play his guitar. Sadly, what I remember the most is how I felt. Always feeling scared to upset my father. Never ever feeling good enough. Feeling worthless. Depressed. Sad.

My teenage years, things just got worse. His alcoholism got worse. Tension in the family got worse. My feelings of hate for myself got worse. Depression was more frequent and intensified. I started cutting myself. I was stressed, trying to hold things together. Trying to appease my father and at the same time live up to my mother's expectations of me. Neither really ever worked, though. It was then that I started to realize that i was never going to be good enough, that I was a failure.

My parents separated for a couple years, and then got divorced. After my dad moved out of our house, I hardly ever saw him. You'd think that might have made me happier. But it didn't. Even tho he was so messed up, I missed him dearly. I felt angry at what he was, and angry that he was not a part of my then-current life. Seems contradictory, but then again, I had a lot of mixed feelings back then. Heck, I still do. But anyways... that's a topic for another day.

I focused hard on trying to just make it through life. I graduated High School as an honor roll student. Got a nice full time job. Then, one afternoon, I got the message. A message that I didn't want to hear. I knew one day it would come, but it still caught me by surprise. All I was told that I needed to leave work, go home, and that it had to do with my dad. My heart just sunk. Right then, I knew. And unfortunately I was right. My father was dead. He had passed away in his apartment the night before. This news was devastating. I still to this day regret that I hadn't seen him in months prior to his death. I never got to tell him I loved him. I never got to say goodbye. The heartache, guilt, anger, and sadness led me into a really bad depression. And my life seemed to just get worse and worse after that. My father has been gone for almost 10 years now. And unfortunately I still suffer and deal with the consequences of my actions and mistakes that I made following his death.

I wish things would've been different. What if he hadn't died because of his diabetes and liver failure (both brought on by excessive alcohol consumption)? What if he had gotten more help? What if he hadn't given up on life?

So many people tell me that I am a lot like my father. And it's true. I am. And it scares me to death. There was high speculation that he was bipolar, though he was never diagnosed. Which I could totally believe. He struggled so much with the same kinds of feelings that I do. But after a while he just couldn't handle it anymore, and he turned to alcohol. He gave up on life, he gave up all hope. And eventually, it killed him. I am terrified that I will have a similar ending. Not because I turn to alcohol to cope, because I don't. In fact, I barely drink at all. But I've gone through so much bad depression in the past 10 years, feeling completely hopeless, wanting to just die. And every depressive episode I endure, especially lately, the desire to commit suicide gets so much stronger. I want so badly to be happy and live a satisfying life, to have children and be a good mom, to have a happy family life... but I know it's never really going to happen. And ending my life before I suffer even more heartache - it sometimes feels like my only option.

I miss my dad so much. RIP =(

Ignorance is not bliss

I do not understand how some people can be so ignorant. I was watching some videos on youtube, and decided to read some of the comments. Wow. People are so misinformed about so much that goes on. It's really really sad.

The comments on the one video about bipolar really upset me. One person in particular. The reply to a 16 yr old who had simply expressed their feelings, wondering if they were bipolar, was unreal. The person said to this young one, and I quote:
"You probably have a demon.Medication can only supress some of the symptoms,but the underline cause is demonic.You don't want to be drugged up on meds for the rest of your life,(which can also lead to suicide),because you'll never really be free.To be truly set free from this demonic oppression,turn away from all sin and call on Jesus Christ to save you.After turning to Jesus,you need to pray against generational curses and cast out the spirit of bipolar disorder in Jesus Christ's name."

Um, ok?? Wow. I find that comment interesting (and purely stupid), because of several reasons. First, I don't understand how an ILLNESS, caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, can mean that a person has a demon. Second, nowhere in the Bible does it say ANYthing like that. Third, generational curses? The spirit of bipolar disorder? This person is clearly whacked.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe very much so in the Bible. And I've studied it intensely. And I am aware of the fact that yes, a person can become possessed by and/or influenced by a demon. BUT it is spiritism and spiritistic practices that causes that to happen, because in such practices (Ouija board, tarot cards, inquiring of the dead, etc) you are contacting, and thus inviting, the demons into your life and possibly into your mind.

But, come on. A mental illness/disorder meaning you have a demon? It's as stupid as the belief held back in the day that bleeding a person out would clear them of their sickness. As I discussed in my first blog post, there is evidence and research to support the fact that it is a medical condition that we have no control over. It just happens, because of physical and environmental factors. It has nothing to do with one's religious beliefs whatsoever.

I wish people would read up and inform themselves of a topic before spreading false, misleading or inaccurate information. Some people are so self-righteous and just like to hear themselves talk. It makes me mad.

What is Bipolar?

For those that don't know:

Bipolar Disorder. Manic-Depressive. What exactly is it?
Simply put, it is a mood disorder that characteristically involves cycles of deep depression and extreme elation (manic or hypomanic). It is a mental illness that affects thoughts, feelings, perceptions and behavior ... even how a person feels physically. It's probably caused by electrical and chemical elements in the brain not functioning properly. There is overwhelming evidence that bipolar disorder can be inherited and that there is a genetic vulnerability to developing the illness. Stressful life events are thought to be the main element in the development of bipolar disorder. And once the disorder is triggered and progresses, psychological and/or biological processes take over and keep the illness active. But, with proper medication and therapy a person with Bipolar Disorder can still live a relatively normal life.

Symptoms for Bipolar Depression may include:
(According to WebMD)
  • Sadness, anxiety, irritability
  • Loss of energy
  • Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
  • Loss of interest or enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Uncontrollable crying
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Increased need for sleep
  • Insomnia
  • Change in appetite causing weight loss or gain
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
  • Attempting suicide
Symptoms for a Bipolar Manic Episode may include:
(According to WebMD)
  • Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
  • Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
  • Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
  • Rapid talk, talkativeness
  • Distractibility
  • Racing thoughts
  • High sex drive
  • Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
  • Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
  • Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
  • Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

    Everybody experiences periods of elation and despair in their life. But the difference is that for those who have Bipolar Disorder, the symptoms are severe and the ramifications can be widespread and potentially damaging to the individual, their relationships,  job or school performance etc.

    The reasons why I am writing this blog:
    To help average people (and those who know a person with the Disorder) to hopefully better understand what we go through.
    And to try and connect with others who may be going through the same struggles, because so often when dealing with an illness like this, we can feel all alone.

    So, here's to living and learning as we go along...