I can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally. They follow me closely from room to room, never leaving my side. They always sense when something is wrong. And when i cry, they cuddle up to me, as if they were trying to console me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them around. There is something so relaxing about petting and holding my dogs close when I am feeling hurt or upset. I love my babies.
As for the others I feel comfortable around - even then, sometimes, I feel like I need to be careful about what I say or what I reveal about myself. Not that I have any intentions of hiding myself from them. But I get scared as to what they may say to me or how they could view me if I am completely honest. Like, for instance, I don't always tell them what is going on in my head, because I am sure they would not understand some of it or why I think that way.
I've been withdrawing from people I usually have contact with during the week, including family. It's probably the depression making me feel like I do not want to be around anyone. I feel so... I don't know. Forlorn. Empty. Useless. Life feels hopeless and meaningless. I don't feel like killing myself or anything, but I sure don't have the will or energy to live, either. I've been on this stupid Lithium for almost 3 weeks now, and I have seen little change in my mood. This is beyond frustrating. I am sick and tired of feeling so depressed. This is not me. Though, I've come to wonder about who I really am, because I am starting to lose my own identity it seems.