Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I feel so dead inside. As if I am just barely alive. I'm conscious, sure, but I feel nothing. Nothing but this damn headache. I have no thoughts, no feelings, whatsoever. It's strange. I don't know whether I should enjoy this "peace" while I have it, or be scared of the silence inside of me? I just don't know.

I slept the majority of the day, and yet I don't remember dreaming. And the time I've been awake, I've felt like a zombie. I've done practically nothing in the few hours I've been awake. It's a good thing I didn't have anything I had to get done, because I did not even have the energy, desire, or motivation to accomplish anything. I even had to force myself to eat, because I could tell my blood sugar had dropped and I knew I needed to.

It is so quiet in this house. And I am so cold. It's unsettling. What I wouldn't give to have my love beside me right now, holding me close. I really do not want to be alone right now. I suppose I will just go back to sleep. It's the only way to make time pass by more quickly. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


At what point do the benefits of medication outweigh the side effects? I wonder sometimes. In the past 4 years or so, I've had my medications changed several times. Some worked for a while, others, not so much. Some gave me terrible side effects, and that made it necessary to go off of them.

A few months ago, I was taken off of Abilify because of intolerable side effects. But I was kept on an anti-depressant. Then they changed my anti-depressant because it wasn't working. Well, the new one alone hasn't been working, so he decided to put me on another mood stabilizer, Lithium. Now, I know that many have taken this medication and it has helped them. I've been on it for 5 days only, so I haven't seen any change yet. But I must say, after reading all the warnings, drug interactions, and side effects, I am scared! I hate change. I hate taking new medications, no matter what it is. And after reading all of that, it make me even more afraid. Which may sound silly to some people, but, I have enough health problems as it is, I don't really need any medications causing more.

I know the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are an important part of helping me not go off the deep end. And seeing as how I try so hard to be "normal", I keep on trying the medications my psychiatrist puts me on. It's sad though. Its almost like in the back of my head, I wish one of them would be a cure-all, magical pill. Like suddenly I won't have to deal with 'all of this' anymore. Even though I know that is not possible. I know I will deal with this crap for as long as I am alive.

I've been deeply depressed for long enough now. It is so very tiring- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope the Lithium helps the anti-depressant work better. And soon. I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I want so badly to just be normal. To be "in control". And, it'd be nice if certain people (like my mom for instance) could really understand what it is I go through, every day. Because "normal" people - while some try to sympathize, they can't fully understand or comprehend what those with bipolar disorder experience.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Personality test

So, I took a personality test just now. Turns out my scores were high in Borderline and Dependent. I'm not all that surprised, really. Here are the description of the two types:

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Here are my test results:

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||| 50%
Schizoid |||||||||||| 46%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 42%
Antisocial || 10%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 42%
Narcissistic |||| 18%
Avoidant |||| 14%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 62%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My mother's denial

So, I talked to my mother today on the phone. For 47 minutes. Most of which, was her lecturing me on what to do to feel better, or do better. I know she does this because she cares about me. But it's getting to the point where I am beginning to dread talking to her on the phone. Because the conversation always turns to this. Every time. For the past 4-5 years now.

See, now, I have been bipolar for about 5 years. I was officially diagnosed around 4 years ago. So, this condition is nothing new. I've come to grips with it. I've accepted it, and I try really hard to deal with it to the best of my ability. But my mother, that's a different story. She is still in complete denial that anything is really wrong with me. She refuses to accept the fact that I have a mental illness. Don't get me wrong, I am sure it is very difficult to accept that your child has something like that wrong with them. But this is getting a little ridiculous.

Today she went on a rampage about how my depression is probably because of the antidepressants I am on. Or maybe I need to think more positive, focus on positive things. Cut down on the carbs. Eat less meat. No more chocolate, because that can cause depression. I should exercise more. Maybe its just my thyroid causing depression. What about natural remedies? Etc. And somehow all these things will answer all my problems. It's so simple to fix, according to her. (I don't even know where she gets some of her information really)

She even tries to downplay the whole situation. She told me today that "we all have ups and downs. we all get depressed at one time or another". She refuses to listen to me and what I say. I try my best to explain exactly what my mood swings are like... that it's not as simple as being happy one minute and sad or down the next. I try to explain to her that the way I feel is not normal, even for me. And that that is how I know there is something more wrong to me than just feeling blue. I try to explain that when I am manic or very depressed, all sense of reason seems to go right out the window. I do and say stupid things I wouldn't normally do. Almost as if it wasn't me at all. I mean, even after the fact, it all just seems like a really bad nightmare, because it IS so contrary to the "real" me. I don't know how else to describe it.

What makes it more difficult for me to get her to understand all this, though, is that she doesn't know all the details of my extreme manic state and the extremes of my depressive states. If she knew the terrible things I've done while manic, the way I've really messed up my life, the way I act or react to things... Or if she knew just how depressed and suicidal I get, and how often, just maybe she would see that I am bipolar. But then again, maybe not, because she refuses to see it even now. I am sure she would make up some sort of excuse for my extreme behavior if she could.

The whole thing just stresses me out so much. There are a couple of others who know my situation, and they seem to understand (to the best of their ability) what's going on with me. And it helps so much to know there are a few people I can really rely on who will always be there for me, through the good times as well as the bad (and very bad) times. Even though these few people don't really know what it's like to be like this, I cherish these people for taking the time to try and help me, comfort me, and encourage me. Because it really is more difficult to deal with than the average person would think.

But especially, as long as my love tries his best to understand and be sympathetic towards my problems, and tries to really understand the complexity that is bipolar disorder, I'll be okay. I know I am in good hands and that he loves and cares about me.

A failed attempt

Ok, so, I thought I'd say something about last Friday night / early Saturday morning.

Well it is no secret that I have been going through depression for a few months now. There are so many reasons why I've wanted to end my life. And every week that passes, it seems like I just add to that list. Friday night I had had enough. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I got to the point where t I felt that I deserved to die.

And so I tried it. I tried to overdose on prescription medications.

First, I went to the kitchen. I literally chugged a bunch of cold jagermeister. (Probably like 4-6oz or so) It burned my throat and was so strong, but I didn't care. Then I headed to the bedroom. I took over a dozen muscle relaxers, several 800mg ibuprofen, and the handful of pain killers I had left. And seeing as how I took it all on an empty stomach, I felt it hit me pretty quick. I got light headed and a little dizzy. It didn't take long before my body started feeling really tired, like, a heavy feeling where it takes so much effort to just walk to the bed and lay down. I don't remember laying there for more than a minute or so before I fell asleep or passed out or whatever.

A couple hours later, I vaguely remember him coming into the room to let me know he was leaving for a while. A few hours after that, at approximately 12:30pm (much to my dismay), I woke up. Well, ok, let's put it this way: I was conscious. He was home again. Apparently for the next couple hours, everything I said made no sense. My brain was seriously messed up bad. There were even a couple times when, as I was talking, I thought to myself "what the hell am I talking about?" It was very weird, and scary too.

As I was "talking" to him, he must've asked me like 5 times "What are you on? Seriously?" But of course I did not tell them that the night before I drugged myself in hopes of dying. I would've ended up in a psychiatric hospital real quick I am sure. I even sent a weird text message to my mother in law. They had asked me what I was doing, and I replied with: 'Nothing ... snd you.watwatchi?' and then another text that said: 'Watch*' Good grief. She told me today she was and has been worried about me. Hmm... I wonder why? It is scary to think that overdosing (but not dying) and having to live with consequences like that - that's scary. So, I've decided that, if there is a next time, I will be sure to complete the task at hand.

Hopefully, though, there will be no next time. And on that note, I think I should call my psychiatrist and perhaps get my antidepressant or dosage changed or re-implement a mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic. Because if my depression is this bad, I can only imagine what my next manic episode could be like. And I certainly don't want that either.

Oh, how I wish I could go back to the days before I became bipolar. To be "normal" again - not being so damn crazy emotionally and mentally. **sigh**

Monday, March 14, 2011

~Simple Plan~

It is simply amazing to me how music can sometimes express exactly how we are feeling. I love listening to music where the lyrics mean something to me. When the singer sings with such emotion that you can empathize with them. These are two of my favorite songs from the band Simple Plan. They say what I cannot seem to put into words. I love it.

Simple Plan - Welcome To My Life

Simple Plan - Untitled

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Back to reality

Alright. I'm gonna start this post by saying that I am ok. Everything is ok... for right now. My last two posts are perfect examples of just how depressed a person can get when they are already emotionally unstable. I've been mildly-moderately depressed for about a month and a half now. And as you can see, it doesn't take much to turn me to a suicidal state of mind. What little stability I had at that moment, went right out the door. I panicked, as if like an animal being cornered, and I reacted in the only way I knew. The only thing I feel I have control over in my life right now - my actual life. At this moment in time, I am glad that I did not succeed in ending my life the other night.

I wonder sometimes if anyone else could ever feel this way that I do. To feel so many overwhelming emotions like this that it drives a person to think and act ... well, crazy.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.  ~Arthur Schopenhauer

Well, I tried to commit suicide last night. But obviously I did not succeed. But just because this attempt did not work doesn't mean I'm going to give up.

For some reason, a calm has come over me. Especially since I made the decision that I am going to do this. I am going to kill myself. To know I won't have to deal with this much longer, to have realized that this is the one part of my pathetic life I can actually control.

I have nothing good in my life. I am broke, I am mentally and physically sick. I can't work. I can't have children. Can't lose weight. I'm not attractive in any way, and I have pretty much no friends. So please, I don't want reasons to live. Because for me, there aren't any. I am so very sick of feeling depressed, lonely, unloved and worthless.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I know full well that I am just plain messed up. I know I need more reassurance than most women. I'm not one of those strong independent women who can stand on their own and don't need others approval to go on in life. In fact, I am the complete opposite. Which is kind of sad, I know. But really, I've felt so unloved, uncared about, so worthless, unneeded, useless, (blah blah blah), my whole life. And when I make myself vulnerable, by completely opening up and inviting someone to be a part of my life, I get so scared. I just need to know, from time to time, that they still care. And to hear those three words, I love you... well, that doesn't hurt either.

But I acknowledge the fact that I am more needy than most women. Maybe because of my history with relationships in general? Probably. It just terrifies me to think that the person will leave me. Abandon me. And I'm not talking about just any person here. I am talking about when I really open up my heart to love someone, and I give them all I have to offer, when I love them unconditionally- its then that I let my insecurities get the best of me. It doesn't seem to take much to make me doubt everything about myself. About the relationship. About everything in my life. It's so easy to go back to feeling no self worth when that is really all you've ever known.


Friday, March 4, 2011

the weekend

Right now, I think I may be one of the very few who actually DON'T look forward to the weekend. Because I am forced to face reality, get out of the house, and usually be around people. That means fake smiles, faking being happy, lying and misleading people into thinking everything is okay. I hate it, but it is easier than opening up and explaining everything. I'd much rather people I am in contact with on a regular basis just not know. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want any fake sympathy and insincere comments. And I HATE being the center of attention, no matter what the reason. So, yeah, currently the worst 2 days of the week for me.

But don't get me wrong. I am not usually a negative person. I am just tired of the charade. The acting like everything is fine, when it's not. Between the physical health problems I am dealing with right now, along with feeling moderately depressed lately, I just don't have the energy to deal with people. Especially inquiring people. I am hoping to lay low this weekend. But, if I do get out and socialize, I hope I at least get to have some fun. It's been a while since I've had any real fun.

a word about my father

I always envy those families that look so perfect. So normal. So happy all together. Granted I know every family has it's issues, whether it's visible to others or not. And sometimes their happiness is just an illusion. But I can't help but wonder what my life could've been like if my family while growing up was more normal (if there even is such a thing as 'normal').

My father was an alcoholic. My mom was (is) very overbearing and controlling.
I remember very little of my childhood. I don't know if I've just blocked it out or what. I remember a few good memories, like camping at a nearby state park as a family. Or fishing with my dad. I remember listening to my father play his guitar. Sadly, what I remember the most is how I felt. Always feeling scared to upset my father. Never ever feeling good enough. Feeling worthless. Depressed. Sad.

My teenage years, things just got worse. His alcoholism got worse. Tension in the family got worse. My feelings of hate for myself got worse. Depression was more frequent and intensified. I started cutting myself. I was stressed, trying to hold things together. Trying to appease my father and at the same time live up to my mother's expectations of me. Neither really ever worked, though. It was then that I started to realize that i was never going to be good enough, that I was a failure.

My parents separated for a couple years, and then got divorced. After my dad moved out of our house, I hardly ever saw him. You'd think that might have made me happier. But it didn't. Even tho he was so messed up, I missed him dearly. I felt angry at what he was, and angry that he was not a part of my then-current life. Seems contradictory, but then again, I had a lot of mixed feelings back then. Heck, I still do. But anyways... that's a topic for another day.

I focused hard on trying to just make it through life. I graduated High School as an honor roll student. Got a nice full time job. Then, one afternoon, I got the message. A message that I didn't want to hear. I knew one day it would come, but it still caught me by surprise. All I was told that I needed to leave work, go home, and that it had to do with my dad. My heart just sunk. Right then, I knew. And unfortunately I was right. My father was dead. He had passed away in his apartment the night before. This news was devastating. I still to this day regret that I hadn't seen him in months prior to his death. I never got to tell him I loved him. I never got to say goodbye. The heartache, guilt, anger, and sadness led me into a really bad depression. And my life seemed to just get worse and worse after that. My father has been gone for almost 10 years now. And unfortunately I still suffer and deal with the consequences of my actions and mistakes that I made following his death.

I wish things would've been different. What if he hadn't died because of his diabetes and liver failure (both brought on by excessive alcohol consumption)? What if he had gotten more help? What if he hadn't given up on life?

So many people tell me that I am a lot like my father. And it's true. I am. And it scares me to death. There was high speculation that he was bipolar, though he was never diagnosed. Which I could totally believe. He struggled so much with the same kinds of feelings that I do. But after a while he just couldn't handle it anymore, and he turned to alcohol. He gave up on life, he gave up all hope. And eventually, it killed him. I am terrified that I will have a similar ending. Not because I turn to alcohol to cope, because I don't. In fact, I barely drink at all. But I've gone through so much bad depression in the past 10 years, feeling completely hopeless, wanting to just die. And every depressive episode I endure, especially lately, the desire to commit suicide gets so much stronger. I want so badly to be happy and live a satisfying life, to have children and be a good mom, to have a happy family life... but I know it's never really going to happen. And ending my life before I suffer even more heartache - it sometimes feels like my only option.

I miss my dad so much. RIP =(

Ignorance is not bliss

I do not understand how some people can be so ignorant. I was watching some videos on youtube, and decided to read some of the comments. Wow. People are so misinformed about so much that goes on. It's really really sad.

The comments on the one video about bipolar really upset me. One person in particular. The reply to a 16 yr old who had simply expressed their feelings, wondering if they were bipolar, was unreal. The person said to this young one, and I quote:
"You probably have a demon.Medication can only supress some of the symptoms,but the underline cause is demonic.You don't want to be drugged up on meds for the rest of your life,(which can also lead to suicide),because you'll never really be free.To be truly set free from this demonic oppression,turn away from all sin and call on Jesus Christ to save you.After turning to Jesus,you need to pray against generational curses and cast out the spirit of bipolar disorder in Jesus Christ's name."

Um, ok?? Wow. I find that comment interesting (and purely stupid), because of several reasons. First, I don't understand how an ILLNESS, caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, can mean that a person has a demon. Second, nowhere in the Bible does it say ANYthing like that. Third, generational curses? The spirit of bipolar disorder? This person is clearly whacked.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe very much so in the Bible. And I've studied it intensely. And I am aware of the fact that yes, a person can become possessed by and/or influenced by a demon. BUT it is spiritism and spiritistic practices that causes that to happen, because in such practices (Ouija board, tarot cards, inquiring of the dead, etc) you are contacting, and thus inviting, the demons into your life and possibly into your mind.

But, come on. A mental illness/disorder meaning you have a demon? It's as stupid as the belief held back in the day that bleeding a person out would clear them of their sickness. As I discussed in my first blog post, there is evidence and research to support the fact that it is a medical condition that we have no control over. It just happens, because of physical and environmental factors. It has nothing to do with one's religious beliefs whatsoever.

I wish people would read up and inform themselves of a topic before spreading false, misleading or inaccurate information. Some people are so self-righteous and just like to hear themselves talk. It makes me mad.

What is Bipolar?

For those that don't know:

Bipolar Disorder. Manic-Depressive. What exactly is it?
Simply put, it is a mood disorder that characteristically involves cycles of deep depression and extreme elation (manic or hypomanic). It is a mental illness that affects thoughts, feelings, perceptions and behavior ... even how a person feels physically. It's probably caused by electrical and chemical elements in the brain not functioning properly. There is overwhelming evidence that bipolar disorder can be inherited and that there is a genetic vulnerability to developing the illness. Stressful life events are thought to be the main element in the development of bipolar disorder. And once the disorder is triggered and progresses, psychological and/or biological processes take over and keep the illness active. But, with proper medication and therapy a person with Bipolar Disorder can still live a relatively normal life.

Symptoms for Bipolar Depression may include:
(According to WebMD)
  • Sadness, anxiety, irritability
  • Loss of energy
  • Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
  • Loss of interest or enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Uncontrollable crying
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Increased need for sleep
  • Insomnia
  • Change in appetite causing weight loss or gain
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
  • Attempting suicide
Symptoms for a Bipolar Manic Episode may include:
(According to WebMD)
  • Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
  • Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
  • Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
  • Rapid talk, talkativeness
  • Distractibility
  • Racing thoughts
  • High sex drive
  • Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
  • Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
  • Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
  • Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

    Everybody experiences periods of elation and despair in their life. But the difference is that for those who have Bipolar Disorder, the symptoms are severe and the ramifications can be widespread and potentially damaging to the individual, their relationships,  job or school performance etc.

    The reasons why I am writing this blog:
    To help average people (and those who know a person with the Disorder) to hopefully better understand what we go through.
    And to try and connect with others who may be going through the same struggles, because so often when dealing with an illness like this, we can feel all alone.

    So, here's to living and learning as we go along...