Saturday, September 8, 2012

Extreme agitation

I have been hypomanic for weeks now. At first it was great. I was in such a great mood, I had all kinds of energy, and I was so motivated to accomplish so much. I still have the energy and all the ideas and motivation, but now I have a very high surge of negative thinking to deal with too. I have been extremely irritable, agitated, and angry. It's like I have so much internal rage, and every one seems to irritate the hell out of me. I'm beginning to feel violent. I keep snapping at people, giving a ton of attitude, and I have an overwhelming desire to start punching stupid people and throwing things. And, I've had so many panic attacks, along with the feeling of high anxiety almost all day, every day. This... this can't be good. I haven't punched anyone yet, but I have thrown things. I just want to scream. Or cry. Anything to get this agitation out of my system.

My psychiatrist increased my Lamictal to 200mg, and put me on Geodon 20mg two times a day. But it's been almost 4 weeks now, and it's not getting better. I think it's actually getting worse. I'm at a loss. I keep trying to channel my energy and control the anger. I keep trying to relax, stay calm, and avoid people and situations that could cause more negative feelings and reactions. But it's not working so well. This is not me at all. I am usually laid back, calm, kind and forgiving. I feel like I am losing it. And the worst part is, is that while I don't really care if I hurt myself, I am terrified that my rage and agitation will escalate to the point where I do end up hurting somebody else. Only once have I ever been even close to this extreme before. It was what made me realize that something was not right with me; it was what pushed me to go see a psychiatrist.

I need help, and I need it now.