Saturday, July 9, 2011

So-Called Friends

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true, and who would risk it all for you."

"I showed you the sunshine, made you forget the pain. You showed me the darkness, and left me in the rain."

"The biggest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love and to be hated by a person for whom you care."

'A Fake Friend'

Friends aren't supposed to leave you
Not when they said they'd care
Friends who turn around and run
When hard times they wouldn't bear
All the good things, the memories
We so happily once shared
Now bring me hurt and misery
Pain, heartache; I'm despaired

I believed in you and was a fool
I'll now take care, be wise 
The worst part is knowing that
all you said were only lies
Good at getting what you want
Of which I do despise
Should've known you didn't care
When I looked into your eyes

My heart torn and damaged
I no longer find the joy
With even the little things in life
Since you played me like a toy
Tears streaming from my eyes
Our friendship you destroyed
You've used me for the last time
I hope your life you do enjoy...

Yes, I just wrote that poem.
Why do I do this to myself? I think my problem is that I care way too much about people. I want to help them. And I trust too easily. I put my heart out there, to be a friend. I do all I can to help, show how much I care, and love that person unconditionally, but it always ends up the same way; with me getting hurt. You think I'd learn my lesson by now. I am sick and tired of being back-stabbed, lied to, manipulated and used. I am tired of being judged because of my past or my illness. Neither of those things is who I am. But it seems most people cannot look past those things.

It's too bad, because I am a good person. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try my very best. I'm the kind of person who gives up my own comfort so that someone else doesn't have to hurt or suffer. I care so much about my friends. But it seems they never really care back. They just use me and get what they can from me, and then they turn around and stab me in the back in some way or another. Well, my latest friend who did this, really broke my heart. And while I am so sad, and I miss them, I know I deserve to be treated better than this. No one should have to endure such verbal abuse like that. I've got enough issues I deal with - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I really don't need any more negativity in my life.

It's a shame when friendships end in this tragic way. But, I guess what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger. I will move on with my life, take the lessons I've learned, and hope I don't make the same mistakes ever again. I just wish it was easy to erase someone you cared for so much from your mind. Because despite all the hurt and pain, for some reason, I still miss that person. And I cry just thinking about it. Shoot, I must be REALLY messed up. What is WRONG with me?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Doctors can be so useless

I am really starting to think that doctors in general are just useless. Sure, they can help for the little things. But God forbid you have an issue they can't figure out. Then, they start throwing pills at you. Take this. Oh, that didn't work? Here, try this one. I am tired of this! It is bad enough that I am already taking enough pills for bipolar, thyroid, PCOS, and my back injury. I don't need a doctor giving me random pills on the off chance they might work. How about doing some tests? Having a headache for a month straight can't be normal. I told her I hit my hear really hard a few months ago. That didn't seem to matter to her. If it was me, I'd have done an MRI or x-ray by now. But, no.

First her brilliant idea is for me to stop taking all pain medications for a week. No ibuprofen, aspirin, sudafed, pain killers, nothing. Which by the way, did not make my headache go away, and it made me feel unnecessary suffering with my back for a week, which made me absolutely miserable.

So then she gives me a different kind of muscle relaxers than I usually take for my back. Supposedly this other kind helps with headaches caused by muscles. Ok. So, I tried it. Took it at night like she told me to, for a few days. But i had to stop taking it. When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I had a terrible hangover. It was really not fun.

So then at the beginning of this week, she puts me on an anti depressant. For my headache. Um, ok...? At which point I started wondering how smart that is. Hey, let's give this girl, who is bipolar, and is on a mood stabilizer and an anti depressant already, another anti depressant to see if her headache goes away. I don't understand this reasoning at all. And when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, I asked the pharmacist if taking a second anti depressant will mess with me or the fact that I am already on one, etc. And, without looking at any of my information, he says "no, it shouldn't." Oh, thank you so much for making me feel so safe coming to you for advice on my medications.

So, I call my primary physician this afternoon, to tell her that her wonderful plan of putting me on a second anti depressant has yet to work, and that I am fed up with being in all of this pain. Her answer? I almost couldn't believe it while I heard it. Basically, according to her, she has given me all the medications she can think of to get rid of my headache. So, if I want, she can set me up with a neurologist which may take weeks or months to get into, or I can go to the emergency room and see if they can give me something. Ok, now I have to decide to either wait forever to see a different doctor, or go to the emergency room. And what makes it even better, is that my deductible for hospital / ER visits isn't cheap. What the hell. I guess I have no choice. Ibuprofen, aspirin, Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen, muscle relaxers, heat, ice, sudafed, drinking more water... argh! nothing has helped at all.

So, what the hell?! Has the medical world gone freakin nuts? Or is it just me? I am still debating on what to do. I should probably just go to the ER. I have had enough of this headache. Bleh.