Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Have you ever tried so hard to fight back the tears welling up in your eyes? To fake being ok while inside your soul is just dying? It's not even an issue of feeling worthless and alone much anymore. I've gone over all the many things that make me feel how I am feeling right now, a thousand times. Those things, those issues, they never change. At least not for the better.
It's like as time goes by, the reality of my situation sinks in deeper and deeper. Like a poison slowly killing my spirit. It's a sad realization I must face that this is my sad pathetic life, and it's not going to change. I'd like to think it might, but I know better. And the feelings it stirs up in me are dreadful. I have not only so much sadness in my heart, but also a lot of anger. I am so mad at myself and my illnesses. I feel like my whole life is now out of my control, which ironically is mostly my fault. I'd give anything to be happy.
It's been so long since I've sincerely smiled, since I've felt true joy. And the few times I do smile, it's because of kind people I barely know. People who more than likely could not help me anymore than I could help myself.
And love. I want so badly to feel loved. It breaks my heart that those who claim to love me only hurt me in someway or another. I wish so much to be held close, to feel secure in a man's embrace. I want to be kissed softly on the lips. I want a man to say something sweet to me and actually mean it, and not just because he's trying to use me.
Oh well. A girl can dream, can't she? It seems dreams are all I have to keep me going nowadays. The small glimmer of hope those dreams give me are the reason I bother to even get out of bed most days.
I am so fed up with just being technically alive. I want to live. Really live. I am fed up with all that my life has turned out to be because of my stupid mistakes. I am fed up with the illness I have, both mental and physical. And I am fed up with taking pills to mask symptoms and faking smiles to avoid reality. I'm so close to being done with it all. No, I'm not suicidal... yet. I just envy those people who have something to live for. It just doesn't seem fair.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
"Whatever results you’re getting, be they rich or poor, good or bad, positive or negative, always remember that your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world. If things aren’t going well in your outer life, it’s because things aren’t going well in your inner life. It’s that simple."
~ T. Harv Eker
I've been thinking so much lately. Where did all my happiness go? My positive outlook? The simple joys and pleasures in life? It seems like I am nothing but a shell of the person I used to be. I barely even smile anymore. I don't enjoy my every day life. My thoughts are usually consumed by the never-ending aches and pains I feel. Not to mention the feeling that my life has become pointless, that it has no more meaning. I don't go to school. I don't work. I don't volunteer my time teaching anymore. I usually stay home and rest, because the physical pain I am in makes it difficult to do things I need to get done, like cleaning. And the mental exhaustion and emotional pain I feel makes me feel so unmotivated to do anything. I don't even do the things I used to enjoy doing anymore.
And on top of that, I feel so lost. I know what I want. I know what I need. The problem is, sometimes they seem like very different things. I guess I am just scared. I am seriously doubting my purpose in life, I feel inadequate in so many aspects, and I never feel "good enough" for anything or anyone. I know I need to do something. Anything. Because sitting here, watching the world pass me by, is doing nothing but making me feel more down. Why does my life, and the road to happiness, seem so complicated? I just don't know what to do.