tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31621217946822470622024-03-12T22:56:31.952-04:00Living With Bipolar & BPD - the good, the bad, & the ugly...I have Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, & Anxiety. Every day can feel like a struggle. This blog is just a journal of my personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences.ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-67362759763654825682013-08-06T02:30:00.003-04:002013-08-06T16:39:58.937-04:00Stigma of Mental IllnessI really hate that there is so much stigma attached to mental illnesses. It amazes me how people jump to conclusions, judge, & condemn without knowing any of the facts. Like how a group of sufferers can all be labeled as "monsters", "soul suckers", terrible people who will ruin your life. I've seen articles warning people to not date or even become friends with someone with Borderline ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-45771717040982767142013-02-01T23:00:00.000-05:002013-08-01T05:33:15.875-04:00Borderline Personality DisorderIn the beginning of February 2013, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. My heart sunk. I had no idea what that actually meant for me. At first I was scared. And angry that I had yet another thing wrong with me. But he reassured me that he wasn't trying to chase down a new diagnosis. Rather he explained that the more I know about what is wrong with me, the more I can ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-28567227499866768422012-09-08T11:48:00.000-04:002013-08-06T16:47:08.468-04:00Extreme agitationI have been hypomanic for weeks now. At first it was great. I was in such a great mood, I had all kinds of energy, and I was so motivated to accomplish so much. I still have the energy and all the ideas and motivation, but now I have a very high surge of negative thinking to deal with too. I have been extremely irritable, agitated, and angry. It's like I have so much internal rage, and ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-87174210581652734772012-07-20T20:08:00.000-04:002012-07-20T20:08:06.450-04:00Drowning in debtI feel like I am drowning. Like I am on the verge of losing it. On the verge of a mental breakdown. There are so many things I stress about lately. Mostly financial issues. We have so much debt, and it is really, really depressing. Especially when there is almost nothing else we can do to pay it down.
As if having a mortgage and car payment isn't enough, we owe about $25,500 in credit card debt.ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-27393131683146191792012-07-17T16:09:00.001-04:002012-07-17T16:09:21.145-04:00Losing a loved oneI've been having a hard time lately. Trying to sort things out. I am struggling a lot with having Diabetes. I've become so negative, even though I have been trying to stay relatively positive. And as if all the joys of Diabetes hasn't been enough to cope with, my dear grandfather passed away a few weeks ago and I've been feeling miserable ever since. Well, ok, I was feeling miserable before ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-3968984005047900042012-05-23T15:52:00.001-04:002012-05-23T18:52:25.765-04:00TherapyA while back, I tried to go to therapy. But I wasn't comfortable with my therapist and I didn't feel like it was going to help. Or maybe I just wasn't ready for it. I don't know.
About two and a half months ago I acknowleged that if I really wanted to help myself, I needed to go to therapy. My psychiatrist referred me to one, and I started going just a couple days later. I am so happy I did. It ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-14612685240350257902012-05-22T18:58:00.001-04:002012-05-23T15:44:09.258-04:00RecapIt's been a long time since I've posted, and so much has happened since then. A close friend of ours passed away, a week after being rushed to the hospital for a torn aorta. Then the man who is like a father to me, he fell and broke his hip. And because of his blood count being so low, and his bad heart, they had to wait almost 2 weeks before doing surgery. I was so worried he wouldn't make it ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-34942589741099020022011-12-05T14:51:00.001-05:002011-12-05T14:51:09.104-05:00Mood shiftToday I am feeling very empowered and motivated. Much more than usual. I'm probably a little hypomanic. I say this because one day I was extremely depressed and down about having no friends, no life, etc. Then the next day I quickly developed a 'who gives a damn' mentality, and I really don't care that my friends seem to hate me. I feel determined to change my looks. I want to go shopping and getein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-48952102448037321282011-11-28T15:12:00.000-05:002011-11-28T15:12:28.180-05:00DepressionI feel so foolish for sharing my feelings sometimes. I don't know why I bother. I should know better. I guess you could say that my doing so is a cry for help. But it's not like I'm looking for pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want someone to understand, to relate.
I was rereading my blog post from June 28th, entitled 'sadness', and I feel exactly as I did then. And with ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-82203796839956542862011-11-28T02:21:00.000-05:002011-11-28T02:21:53.318-05:00Another lowI wish I had the courage and strength that others have, to truly live. I feel unbelievably inadequate in so many ways. I've been crying almost nonstop for days now. I just want this sinking dreadful feeling of being useless and worthless to go away. It's a relentless sharp pain deep in my heart. I feel so empty. So very sad. And it seems that everything reminds me of things I don't want to think ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-14712310769915999772011-11-26T06:05:00.001-05:002011-11-26T06:05:04.024-05:00A small bit of hopeIt is 6 a.m. and I am laying here in bed, unable to sleep. I'm just not tired. In fact, I've been awake all night. And I don't really know why. But, before I even try to sleep, I have one thing on my mind.
It amazes me how much one little thing, even as simple as an online message from a dear friend who is far away, can make such a difference. I mean, my whole friendship with them means so much.ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-91677896732530639162011-11-25T04:09:00.001-05:002011-11-25T04:09:36.721-05:00This is no lifeIt amazes me; all the unique and special abilities, talents, and skills that people can have. Their good qualities that seem to help make this world not feel so harsh.
I always thought I was a good person. I always wanted to help others, and it never mattered to me what I had to give up to help them. Lately though, it seems I cause more heartache and problems for the people I care about. I make ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-79891565366622998882011-11-24T01:56:00.001-05:002011-11-24T01:56:37.962-05:00The past few monthsIt's been awhile since I wrote my thoughts here. And with how I've been lately, I thought it might help to get it out. I haven't really been the same since August of this year. Three months.
I came back from visiting family in August, and things went downhill from there. Fast. See, whenever I go home, I am quickly reminded of the people I miss dearly. And even though I have a couple people here ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-8627999253185099362011-07-09T19:52:00.006-04:002011-07-10T15:53:21.734-04:00So-Called Friends"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true, and who would risk it all for you."
"I showed you the sunshine, made you forget the pain. You showed me the darkness, and left me in the rain."
"The biggest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love and ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-33874375510637630002011-07-08T15:16:00.000-04:002011-07-08T15:16:35.852-04:00Doctors can be so uselessI am really starting to think that doctors in general are just useless. Sure, they can help for the little things. But God forbid you have an issue they can't figure out. Then, they start throwing pills at you. Take this. Oh, that didn't work? Here, try this one. I am tired of this! It is bad enough that I am already taking enough pills for bipolar, thyroid, PCOS, and my back injury. I don't needein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-56956110839593313082011-06-29T12:04:00.000-04:002011-06-29T12:04:40.463-04:00People puzzle meI don't understand how anyone could be so nasty, vindictive, and just plain mean. Maybe because I am nothing like that. And my best friends and family are not like that at all either. I feel pity for people who are so selfish, insecure, and have so much hate inside, that they take it out on others that they supposedly care about. It's a shame, because by doing so, they will only make their ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-46103265086257423972011-06-28T00:00:00.001-04:002011-06-28T00:00:26.050-04:00SadnessHave you ever tried so hard to fight back the tears welling up in your eyes? To fake being ok while inside your soul is just dying? It's not even an issue of feeling worthless and alone much anymore. I've gone over all the many things that make me feel how I am feeling right now, a thousand times. Those things, those issues, they never change. At least not for the better.
It's like as time goes ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-75589312357244006672011-06-09T19:36:00.007-04:002011-06-28T14:02:05.736-04:00Decisions"Whatever results you’re getting, be they rich or poor, good or bad, positive or negative, always remember that your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world. If things aren’t going well in your outer life, it’s because things aren’t going well in your inner life. It’s that simple." ~ T. Harv Eker
I've been thinking so much lately. Where did all my happiness go? My ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-51282663669413385442011-05-19T02:24:00.028-04:002011-06-28T13:59:14.837-04:00Medication updatesSo, four weeks ago (a day after my psychiatrist had increased my Lithium and decreased my Cymbalta) my primary doctor put me on Metformin. Basically, it is a medication usually given to people who have type 2 diabetes. I do not have diabetes, but I have PCOS and therefore, high blood sugar. The medicine is supposed to help control the amount of glucose (sugar) in my blood, decrease the amount of ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-67147728003798340682011-04-29T00:41:00.002-04:002011-06-28T13:56:46.194-04:00DreamsLess than a month away, I will officially be a year older. Thinking about that makes me sad. And it's not just because I am getting older. I am sad because I have allowed yet another year of my life to just pass me by. I've done nothing with my life so far. Nothing important at least. It seems my life here on this earth has been a waste.
The other day a friend of mine asked me what my dreams for ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-8725057947801339832011-04-26T15:30:00.006-04:002011-04-26T15:53:19.351-04:00Let's rethink thisSo, I've always wanted kids. I love children. But, recently I had decided to put that off seeing as how I should really focus on my mental health first before even thinking about getting pregnant. And, of course, I don't really think I should bring a child into this world knowing that there is a good possibility that I pass my issues on to them. Well, yesterday, I was reminded of yet another ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-36636657317298956832011-04-23T01:16:00.005-04:002011-06-28T13:52:38.839-04:00Mood swingsTalk about mood swings. I go from being depressed for 2 1/2 months, to being hypomanic for a week. Thursday I was back to feeling hopeless and depressed again. And Friday I felt mostly agitated and incredibly irritable. Not that I was in a bad mood. It's just that every little thing was pissing me off and making me either mad or upset. Like, on the way home from the doctor today there was a guy ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-91018737606221747922011-04-21T19:56:00.002-04:002011-06-28T13:46:11.827-04:00UndeservingI feel so lost. So confused. And utterly heartbroken. I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do with my life. My life was filled with such meaning and hope. Not to mention I was content and much happier than I have been in the past few years.
I have a massive headache, so I've been laying here in bed trying to get rid of it. I ended up doing a lot of thinking. And praying. I am so torn inside,ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-42289362006067888452011-04-12T01:55:00.007-04:002011-06-28T13:42:19.230-04:00Feeling goodYesterday I was pretty depressed. I slept all morning and I stayed at home to avoid socializing with friends of mine. I felt miserable overall.
But today I am the complete opposite. It feels good, because I've been so depressed for months now... but it's scary too. Because this isn't just a good mood. I almost feel high. I have racing thoughts, and I can't seem to stop talking. And while I am ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3162121794682247062.post-24895886724927655092011-04-09T22:18:00.001-04:002013-08-06T16:43:47.824-04:00Being myselfI can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day ein blutendes Herz...http://www.blogger.com/profile/14279875536213645778noreply@blogger.com3