Friday, April 29, 2011


Less than a month away, I will officially be a year older. Thinking about that makes me sad. And it's not just because I am getting older. I am sad because I have allowed yet another year of my life to just pass me by. I've done nothing with my life so far. Nothing important at least. It seems my life here on this earth has been a waste.
The other day a friend of mine asked me what my dreams for my life are. You know, I don't really have any specific dreams. I've become so weighed down with my health problems, my issues and my past that I have forgotten to really live. And the sad part is that I am not even sure I know how to really live. How to dream. How to have hope. It all seems so foreign to me sometimes.
I envy those happy people with their happy lives. Why is it so hard for me to be happy? It doesn't seem fair. But then again, perhaps this is the life I deserve after all. It just sucks, and it is hard for me to accept such a bleak future. I want so much more.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Let's rethink this

So, I've always wanted kids. I love children. But, recently I had decided to put that off seeing as how I should really focus on my mental health first before even thinking about getting pregnant. And, of course, I don't really think I should bring a child into this world knowing that there is a good possibility that I pass my issues on to them. Well, yesterday, I was reminded of yet another reason why I may not want children.

Yesterday I was subjected to my 8 year old nephew who has ADHD. The day started off okay. Then came the hour I needed to watch him for his mother, while she was in a consult with a doctor. An hour with him in a waiting room full of people. Oh, and by the way, he is not currently on any medications for his ADHD.

I don't even know how to describe the hell I went through, trying to keep him under control and getting him to do his school work while trying not to lose my cool. As I've mentioned, I've been hypomanic. I have like no patience for anything at all, and I get very irritable and frustrated easily. I swear I wanted to kill the child at one point. And I would've smacked him on the rear if I knew it wouldn't have caused even more of a scene. I really did not want any more attention drawn to us. It was bad enough that everyone on our side of the waiting room kept staring. And I am sure others were too. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.

In that hour, he managed to piss me off, aggravate others, disrupt the peace in the waiting room, and only got one math sheet done. His mother came out of the consult, and I just looked at her. I didn't even really have to say anything to her. She just knew.

I was hoping that with her around again he'd start to behave a little better. Because he is usually not that bad. But of course not. He was acting terrible, running his mouth at every opportunity he could. By the time we finally made our way back from running around, several hours later, we had all had enough. So, it made me feel a little better that it wasn't just me who felt that way.

Either way, I thought about it, and I really couldn't handle a child like that. Not with my extreme mood swings and what not. I must say, watching him was great birth control. And the way I see it, that is saving me a lot of money. Because I know kids are not cheap. Not to mention the amounts of meds and the therapy I'd have to be in to handle having children and not end up killing them.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Mood swings

Talk about mood swings. I go from being depressed for 2 1/2 months, to being hypomanic for a week. Thursday I was back to feeling hopeless and depressed again. And Friday I felt mostly agitated and incredibly irritable. Not that I was in a bad mood. It's just that every little thing was pissing me off and making me either mad or upset. Like, on the way home from the doctor today there was a guy who was riding my bumper for miles, even though I was doing 5 over the speed limit. I was getting so frustrated and angry that I just wanted to slam on the brakes and let him hit me. The only reason I did not do so is because I had a passenger with me, and I value their life and well-being.

My husband takes the biggest brunt of my frustration though. Perhaps it is because I deal with him more than anyone else. Either way, I have very little patience for him. And everything he does lately gets on my nerves. And it's not really his fault. In general, I just feel like punching something. And that says a lot, since I am not even remotely a violent person. I wonder how I will be tomorrow. If I had the choice, I'd opt for a happy good mood. But I have this feeling that might not be the case. We shall see...

By the way, my psychiatrist changed my medication dosage when I saw him on Tuesday. He upped my Lithium from 600mg/day to 900mg/day and lowered my anti depressant (Cymbalta) from 120mg/day to 60 mg/day. I sure hope he knows what he is doing. Especially since my primary doctor seems to be worried about the interactions between the Lithium and other medications I am on. There are all kinds of warnings about taking any NSAID's with Lithium, and, well, I take 800mg of Ibuprofen 3x a day. So, yeah... I guess they are going to have to monitor the amount of Lithium in my blood because of that. Ugh, fun. I hate blood tests. I hate medication. I hate being sick, and I hate going to doctors so often. Bleh. Okay, I am done complaining for now.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I feel so lost. So confused. And utterly heartbroken. I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do with my life. My life was filled with such meaning and hope. Not to mention I was content and much happier than I have been in the past few years.
I have a massive headache, so I've been laying here in bed trying to get rid of it. I ended up doing a lot of thinking. And praying. I am so torn inside, and I just don't know what to do anymore. These thoughts I have are nothing new. However they really bother me.
See, I feel like such a terrible person. I really hate myself for the bad things I've done in my life, especially while manic. I've screwed up my life in more ways than I'd like to admit. Not only has it destroyed just about any feeling of self worth I had, but I've completely ruined my relationship with God and some of my friends. And I've come way too close to losing the man I love. I am so very ashamed of the things I've done. The real me would never have done those things. And it breaks my heart that now those things will forever be a dark part of my life, a part of my past I can never erase. I have so much regret. I wish I could turn back time and do things way differently.
But, I can't. And that is what brings me so much heartache and causes me to feel so sad and depressed. What hurts the most though is knowing deep down that I don't deserve the privilege to have a relationship with God, to teach others about him, or to even serve Him. I know God is loving and forgiving. I know that. But I feel so strongly that I do not deserve such kindness. I have brought such reproach upon His name because of my actions. And that hurts me to know I've done that. Every time I pray I end up in tears, apologizing to Him for everything, saying how sorry I am. I want so bad to make Him happy. But I really really feel I could never. I feel like a very bad person. I do not deserve to have any blessings, any hope for the future, and I sure don't even deserve to live.
I'm not feeling suicidal. Just really depressed about my life. And what makes things even worse? I love my man so very much. But I wonder if in the long run he'd be better off without me. I am so scared to hurt him. And, I don't wanna ruin his life like I've ruined mine. But at the same time, I could never end things with him... he is all I have. Even though I know full well that I don't deserve him either. I don't deserve anything at all.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feeling good

Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I slept all morning and I stayed at home to avoid socializing with friends of mine. I felt miserable overall.

But today I am the complete opposite. It feels good, because I've been so depressed for months now... but it's scary too. Because this isn't just a good mood. I almost feel high. I have racing thoughts, and I can't seem to stop talking. And while I am talking, I keep switching subjects. I was talking to my love and he let me know when I changed topics drastically, which seemed to be every few sentences or so.

Also, I went out with a friend this afternoon, and we went shopping. Shopping sprees are one of the indiscretions I get involved in while hypomanic. We went to my favorite clothing store... and it was just a recipe for disaster. I ended up buying clothes I could not afford. In fact, $168 worth. It felt so good to shop and try clothes on. And when I bought them, I sure as hell wasn't thinking it was a bad idea. In fact, I am pretty sure I wasn't thinking about anything besides that I wanted those clothes. Even now, I know we have NO money, but I really don't care, and I don't feel bad about spending. That's not like me, to spend so much on myself and not care.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds for me. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to go back into depression, but I don't wanna be hypomanic either. Because the chances of me becoming hypersexual are way to high. And I really do not want to do anything stupid or foolish again. I live with enough regret and guilt from past indiscretions while hypomanic. I don't want any more.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Being myself

I can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally. They follow me closely from room to room, never leaving my side. They always sense when something is wrong. And when i cry, they cuddle up to me, as if they were trying to console me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them around. There is something so relaxing about petting and holding my dogs close when I am feeling hurt or upset. I love my babies.

As for the others I feel comfortable around - even then, sometimes, I feel like I need to be careful about what I say or what I reveal about myself. Not that I have any intentions of hiding myself from them. But I get scared as to what they may say to me or how they could view me if I am completely honest. Like, for instance, I don't always tell them what is going on in my head, because I am sure they would not understand some of it or why I think that way.

I've been withdrawing from people I usually have contact with during the week, including family. It's probably the depression making me feel like I do not want to be around anyone. I feel so... I don't know. Forlorn. Empty. Useless. Life feels hopeless and meaningless. I don't feel like killing myself or anything, but I sure don't have the will or energy to live, either. I've been on this stupid Lithium for almost 3 weeks now, and I have seen little change in my mood. This is beyond frustrating. I am sick and tired of feeling so depressed. This is not me. Though, I've come to wonder about who I really am, because I am starting to lose my own identity it seems.

Friday, April 8, 2011


I feel like running away. Just getting into the car, and going. Anywhere. Just start over somewhere else. I am so very unhappy with how my life is right now, how I've ended up. My life has never been perfect, but it's been better than this. And I know it's all my fault. I never had the guts to stand up for myself, to do what I really wanted to do. And now, it seems I must pay for it. I know some people would say that I could still change things, be who I want to be, do what I want, and be with who I want. But I know better than that. With this stupid illness the way it is right now, along with a host of other health problems, it is unlikely I could hold a decent job. And without a job, I have no money, and no hope of changing my life.

My life right now is nothing but staying at home, feeling like a prisoner in my own house. I sleep my life away. I have no motivation or desire to do anything at all. This is certainly not how I pictured my life being. I wanted to be helping people on a weekly basis. I wanted to have started a family by now. I wanted to travel. Try new things. But, alas, I've done nothing of the sort. It's like my illness has taken my life and will to live away from me.

It is so hard on me, to face my life. To face my disorder. To face reality. Far gone are the days where I was full of life, and was happy and healthy. Is it so terrible to want that back? I know its not going to happen, even though I wish it would. I am tired of living my pathetic life. Tired of having very little to look forward to. Is it terrible that I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again? Or wake up to a whole different life, one where I was happy and doing the things I like to do, living where I want to live?

I don't know. The past few days what I've needed the most is to feel loved, be encouraged, ... anything at all. But instead I've gotten nothing from anyone it seems. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I want and NEED some change. And soon.