Change

I feel like running away. Just getting into the car, and going. Anywhere. Just start over somewhere else. I am so very unhappy with how my life is right now, how I've ended up. My life has never been perfect, but it's been better than this. And I know it's all my fault. I never had the guts to stand up for myself, to do what I really wanted to do. And now, it seems I must pay for it. I know some people would say that I could still change things, be who I want to be, do what I want, and be with who I want. But I know better than that. With this stupid illness the way it is right now, along with a host of other health problems, it is unlikely I could hold a decent job. And without a job, I have no money, and no hope of changing my life.

My life right now is nothing but staying at home, feeling like a prisoner in my own house. I sleep my life away. I have no motivation or desire to do anything at all. This is certainly not how I pictured my life being. I wanted to be helping people on a weekly basis. I wanted to have started a family by now. I wanted to travel. Try new things. But, alas, I've done nothing of the sort. It's like my illness has taken my life and will to live away from me.

It is so hard on me, to face my life. To face my disorder. To face reality. Far gone are the days where I was full of life, and was happy and healthy. Is it so terrible to want that back? I know its not going to happen, even though I wish it would. I am tired of living my pathetic life. Tired of having very little to look forward to. Is it terrible that I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again? Or wake up to a whole different life, one where I was happy and doing the things I like to do, living where I want to live?

I don't know. The past few days what I've needed the most is to feel loved, be encouraged, ... anything at all. But instead I've gotten nothing from anyone it seems. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I want and NEED some change. And soon.