Saturday, July 9, 2011

So-Called Friends

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true, and who would risk it all for you."

"I showed you the sunshine, made you forget the pain. You showed me the darkness, and left me in the rain."

"The biggest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love and to be hated by a person for whom you care."

'A Fake Friend'

Friends aren't supposed to leave you
Not when they said they'd care
Friends who turn around and run
When hard times they wouldn't bear
All the good things, the memories
We so happily once shared
Now bring me hurt and misery
Pain, heartache; I'm despaired

I believed in you and was a fool
I'll now take care, be wise 
The worst part is knowing that
all you said were only lies
Good at getting what you want
Of which I do despise
Should've known you didn't care
When I looked into your eyes

My heart torn and damaged
I no longer find the joy
With even the little things in life
Since you played me like a toy
Tears streaming from my eyes
Our friendship you destroyed
You've used me for the last time
I hope your life you do enjoy...

Yes, I just wrote that poem.
Why do I do this to myself? I think my problem is that I care way too much about people. I want to help them. And I trust too easily. I put my heart out there, to be a friend. I do all I can to help, show how much I care, and love that person unconditionally, but it always ends up the same way; with me getting hurt. You think I'd learn my lesson by now. I am sick and tired of being back-stabbed, lied to, manipulated and used. I am tired of being judged because of my past or my illness. Neither of those things is who I am. But it seems most people cannot look past those things.

It's too bad, because I am a good person. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try my very best. I'm the kind of person who gives up my own comfort so that someone else doesn't have to hurt or suffer. I care so much about my friends. But it seems they never really care back. They just use me and get what they can from me, and then they turn around and stab me in the back in some way or another. Well, my latest friend who did this, really broke my heart. And while I am so sad, and I miss them, I know I deserve to be treated better than this. No one should have to endure such verbal abuse like that. I've got enough issues I deal with - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I really don't need any more negativity in my life.

It's a shame when friendships end in this tragic way. But, I guess what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger. I will move on with my life, take the lessons I've learned, and hope I don't make the same mistakes ever again. I just wish it was easy to erase someone you cared for so much from your mind. Because despite all the hurt and pain, for some reason, I still miss that person. And I cry just thinking about it. Shoot, I must be REALLY messed up. What is WRONG with me?

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