Thursday, November 24, 2011

The past few months

It's been awhile since I wrote my thoughts here. And with how I've been lately, I thought it might help to get it out. I haven't really been the same since August of this year. Three months.

I came back from visiting family in August, and things went downhill from there. Fast. See, whenever I go home, I am quickly reminded of the people I miss dearly. And even though I have a couple people here that I care about, the grief and emptiness I feel when I come back here is always so overwhelming. And maybe too its because when I am here, there is a constant reminder of my bleak reality. Reminders of how I can't do much at all because of my health. I feel like such a bad housewife. I can't ever seem to keep the house clean, I rarely cook, I cannot work. All too often I feel like I have no purpose at all. I feel beyond worthless. It doesn't help that I have so few friends, none of which can truly relate to me. I feel so alone. And even though those few who care tell me they love me, it is difficult to believe them. I feel so worthless.

Well, within days of my returning here, I was severely depressed. And suicidal. A timely previously-scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist led to an increase in my anti depressant. Which helped for a little while.

Then came October. Specifically, October 17th. The 10 year anniversary of my father's death. It was really hard on me. Even though he had his issues and wasn't perfect, I miss him. I really do.

All the while I'd been dealing with my bad health getting worse. It was estimated that my liver was functioning at around 17% at that time. I was feeling especially suicidal and decided to use that knowledge. I drank. A lot. And of course I consumed plenty of pills along with the alcohol. I remember I just sat on the couch, crying. Crying so hard that my insides hurt. My heart hurt in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. I wanted all the emotional pain and anguish to stop.

Well, the alcohol made me violently ill, and I spent the evening throwing up and still crying. All the while still feeling all the sadness inside. The disappointment I have, of things I've done, who I am, and of course all the things I can't do or be.

The alcohol of course hurt my liver even more, bringing the percentage of how it was functioning down to 8%. I've been sick ever since. Days going through physical withdrawal from certain pills I took that day. Then I had the flu. Then I never got rid of that "not well", feeling and soon developed a cold and now bronchitis.

All the depression along with being sick, I again feel myself sliding more towards not wanting to live. I'm such a damn burden, and I contribute nothing that is worthwhile to anyone or anything. I feel so empty and lonely. Every day I wake up and dread even getting out of bed. There just doesn't seem to be any point anymore.

In the past few years, life feels like nothing but a sick joke. I'm tired of it all. A tormenting cycle of mistakes, severe depression, and unsuccessful suicide attempts. I often catch myself wondering, "why the hell can't I just die??"

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