Monday, November 28, 2011

Another low

I wish I had the courage and strength that others have, to truly live. I feel unbelievably inadequate in so many ways. I've been crying almost nonstop for days now. I just want this sinking dreadful feeling of being useless and worthless to go away. It's a relentless sharp pain deep in my heart. I feel so empty. So very sad. And it seems that everything reminds me of things I don't want to think about. I know I am falling fast into a severe depression once again. I really hate this. I feel so worthless. I need this pain to stop. It is getting very difficult to handle the heartache. Damn. What I wouldn't give to have someone hold me close right now. Maybe somehow it could ease my pain and tears. I don't remember the last time I was held close and really felt safe, secure and loved. It's been quite a long time, and I miss it so much. I need that kind of loving support and reassurance. But I can't make anyone do something that they don't want to do.

I know people say it is selfish to take one's life. But isn't it selfish too, if I stay around knowing that I am nothing but a burden and cause of pain to the people I care about? For the very few who do care, sure they might be sad if I die, but then they can move on and live happier without me bringing them down. But the longer I am here, the more they'd end up suffering, having to deal with me. I don't ever want to hurt the people I love, in any way. But these feelings I have, this pain, the heartache; it is so extreme. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much longer I can cope.

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