Saturday, March 26, 2011


At what point do the benefits of medication outweigh the side effects? I wonder sometimes. In the past 4 years or so, I've had my medications changed several times. Some worked for a while, others, not so much. Some gave me terrible side effects, and that made it necessary to go off of them.

A few months ago, I was taken off of Abilify because of intolerable side effects. But I was kept on an anti-depressant. Then they changed my anti-depressant because it wasn't working. Well, the new one alone hasn't been working, so he decided to put me on another mood stabilizer, Lithium. Now, I know that many have taken this medication and it has helped them. I've been on it for 5 days only, so I haven't seen any change yet. But I must say, after reading all the warnings, drug interactions, and side effects, I am scared! I hate change. I hate taking new medications, no matter what it is. And after reading all of that, it make me even more afraid. Which may sound silly to some people, but, I have enough health problems as it is, I don't really need any medications causing more.

I know the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are an important part of helping me not go off the deep end. And seeing as how I try so hard to be "normal", I keep on trying the medications my psychiatrist puts me on. It's sad though. Its almost like in the back of my head, I wish one of them would be a cure-all, magical pill. Like suddenly I won't have to deal with 'all of this' anymore. Even though I know that is not possible. I know I will deal with this crap for as long as I am alive.

I've been deeply depressed for long enough now. It is so very tiring- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope the Lithium helps the anti-depressant work better. And soon. I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I want so badly to just be normal. To be "in control". And, it'd be nice if certain people (like my mom for instance) could really understand what it is I go through, every day. Because "normal" people - while some try to sympathize, they can't fully understand or comprehend what those with bipolar disorder experience.

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