Saturday, April 9, 2011

Being myself

I can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally. They follow me closely from room to room, never leaving my side. They always sense when something is wrong. And when i cry, they cuddle up to me, as if they were trying to console me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them around. There is something so relaxing about petting and holding my dogs close when I am feeling hurt or upset. I love my babies.

As for the others I feel comfortable around - even then, sometimes, I feel like I need to be careful about what I say or what I reveal about myself. Not that I have any intentions of hiding myself from them. But I get scared as to what they may say to me or how they could view me if I am completely honest. Like, for instance, I don't always tell them what is going on in my head, because I am sure they would not understand some of it or why I think that way.

I've been withdrawing from people I usually have contact with during the week, including family. It's probably the depression making me feel like I do not want to be around anyone. I feel so... I don't know. Forlorn. Empty. Useless. Life feels hopeless and meaningless. I don't feel like killing myself or anything, but I sure don't have the will or energy to live, either. I've been on this stupid Lithium for almost 3 weeks now, and I have seen little change in my mood. This is beyond frustrating. I am sick and tired of feeling so depressed. This is not me. Though, I've come to wonder about who I really am, because I am starting to lose my own identity it seems.


  1. I completely understand. I find that I can not speak to anyone except for anonymously online. I can not speak to my own family as they do not listen to me. They want to speak to me and have me listen to them, but never, never am I allowed to speak to them. This is verboten.

    My friends and boyfriend who claim to love me dearly are the same. They do not listen either.

    I have stopped talking as it is futile. No one has noticed that I speak less and less. They are too narcissistic and self absorbed to notice something is wrong with our relationship. They do not notice that they raise their voice to me and cause me to shut down.

    No one notices I am disconnected from those around me, from those who supposedly mean the most to me. They are too busy in their own minds to notice me. This is how I can hide my suicidal ideation and no one even notices. It is very sad. The disconnect is horrible.

  2. I think it is hardest when the people you love don't take the time to really listen and understand what you are going through and what you're feeling. I too have become a good actor - hiding what is really going on inside me. I don't know about you, but I get tired of acting sometimes. =(

    Feel free to email me anytime if you wanna talk or whatever. Just know that you are not alone, and there are people who care about you!

  3. I feel you. There are times when i want to be friendly with all the people around me, to know what makes them happy, what makes them sad. Some other times I hate everybody and everything, I even try to make up reasons for my unjustifiable hatred. And thinking about it, my friends ask me less questions recently about my moods. Maybe because they know that my moods have nothing to do with whats happening in my life. maybe they're getting used to my dramas. Maybe my behaviors hurt them too much. All that is due to chemical reactions in my brain or something. Makes me wonder; what exactly is the meaning of "identity"? I don't act on what i feel. I dont feel on what i think. I dont think on what's happening. The only thing that's certain for me is that life is nonsense