Borderline Personality Disorder

In the beginning of February 2013, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. My heart sunk. I had no idea what that actually meant for me. At first I was scared. And angry that I had yet another thing wrong with me. But he reassured me that he wasn't trying to chase down a new diagnosis. Rather he explained that the more I know about what is wrong with me, the more I can help myself. And as he described certain actions and words - "red flags" I had been throwing for months - it actually made sense. And it made me feel a little better in a way. Because there were some things I was feeling that weren't quite covered by the criteria of Bipolar Disorder. Such as the loss of my personal identity, the extreme internal agitation & rage, the self harm (cutting), impulsivity & suicidal tendencies, and so forth.. Knowing this information has given me a little insight into why I do certain things, how to avoid certain triggers & impulses, etc. It sucks that I have something like this wrong with me, but I really feel like knowing this is a blessing too. Gives me something to work with. This is just a basic background knowledge. I will elaborate more on my personal experiences in a separate blog entry.

For anyone unfamiliar with BPD, Mayo Clinic :
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.
With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
• Wide mood swings
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
• Suicidal behavior
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
• Fear of being alone
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white. 

And the website www.nimh.nih.gov/ : 
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In 1980, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III) listed borderline personality disorder as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to diagnose mental illnesses.
Because some people with severe borderline personality disorder have brief psychotic episodes, experts originally thought of this illness as atypical, or borderline, versions of other mental disorders^. While mental health experts now generally agree that the name "borderline personality disorder" is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.
Most people who have borderline personality disorder suffer from:

• Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
• Impulsive and reckless behavior
• Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.
According to data from a subsample of participants in a national survey on mental disorders, about 1.6 percent of adults in the United States have borderline personality disorder in a given year.
Borderline personality disorder is often viewed as difficult to treat. However, recent research shows that borderline personality disorder can be treated effectively, and that many people with this illness improve over time.

What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Suicide and Self-harm

Self-injurious behavior includes suicide and suicide attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors, described below. As many as 80 percent of people with borderline personality disorder have suicidal behaviors, and about 4 to 9 percent commit suicide.

More on BPD Suicide http://bpd.about.com/ :

Unfortunately, suicidal behaviors and completed suicides are very common in individuals with BPD. Research has shown that around 70 percent of people with BPD will have at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime, and many will make multiple suicide attempts. People with BPD are more likely to complete suicide than individuals with any other psychiatric disorder. Between 8 and 10 percent of people with BPD will complete suicide; this rate is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population.

Why is Suicide so Common in BPD?

There are several factors related to BPD that may explain why suicide is so common.
First, BPD is associated with very intense negative emotional experiences. These experiences are so painful that many people with BPD report that they would like to find a way to escape. They may use a number of different strategies to try to reduce the emotional pain (e.g., deliberate self-harm, substance use), including suicide. Also, BPD is a chronic condition; it usually lasts for years. Conditions that are more chronic may lead to more risk for suicide since they do not tend to get better quickly without treatment. This may leave people with BPD feeling that there is no other way out, despite the fact that there are now effective treatments available for BPD.
BPD is also associated with impulsivity, or a tendency to act quickly without thinking about consequences. This may be another reason that suicide is common in BPD; individuals with BPD may engage in suicidal behaviors in a moment of intense emotional pain without fully considering the consequences.
Finally, BPD often co-occurs with substance use. The use of drugs or alcohol is a risk factor for suicide alone. However, substance use issues combined with BPD may be a particularly lethal combination; substance use can lead to even greater impulsivity. And, people who are using substances have access to a means for overdose.

Extreme agitation

I have been hypomanic for weeks now. At first it was great. I was in such a great mood, I had all kinds of energy, and I was so motivated to accomplish so much. I still have the energy and all the ideas and motivation, but now I have a very high surge of negative thinking to deal with too. I have been extremely irritable, agitated, and angry. It's like I have so much internal rage, and every one seems to irritate the hell out of me. I'm beginning to feel violent. I keep snapping at people, giving a ton of attitude, and I have an overwhelming desire to start punching stupid people and throwing things. And, I've had so many panic attacks, along with the feeling of high anxiety almost all day, every day. This... this can't be good. I haven't punched anyone yet, but I have thrown things. I just want to scream. Or cry. Anything to get this agitation out of my system.

My psychiatrist increased my Lamictal to 200mg, and put me on Geodon 20mg two times a day. But it's been almost 4 weeks now, and it's not getting better. I think it's actually getting worse. I'm at a loss. I keep trying to channel my energy and control the anger. I keep trying to relax, stay calm, and avoid people and situations that could cause more negative feelings and reactions. But it's not working so well. This is not me at all. I am usually laid back, calm, kind and forgiving. I feel like I am losing it. And the worst part is, is that while I don't really care if I hurt myself, I am terrified that my rage and agitation will escalate to the point where I do end up hurting somebody else. Only once have I ever been even close to this extreme before. It was what made me realize that something was not right with me; it was what pushed me to go see a psychiatrist.

I need help, and I need it now.

Drowning in debt

I feel like I am drowning. Like I am on the verge of losing it. On the verge of a mental breakdown. There are so many things I stress about lately. Mostly financial issues. We have so much debt, and it is really, really depressing. Especially when there is almost nothing else we can do to pay it down.

As if having a mortgage and car payment isn't enough, we owe about $25,500 in credit card debt. Oh, and now we also owe my mother-in-law $1,000. And it's a terrible catch-22. We pay so much in credit card debt, that we don't have money for groceries. So, we pay for groceries with credit cards. It's almost impossible to see any light at the end of the tunnel, since we only seem to be digging ourselves a really deep hole.

How did we get here? That's easy. Two big reasons, and they both have to do with me, and me alone. One thing is all of the doctor co-pays, medical tests, and prescriptions I have to dish out for. I don't have enough in my budget to allow for all of that. I mean, I pay out the rear for health insurance every month, and yet my deductible is $1500 and I have high copays. How is that fair? Especially with how many different doctors I see, and how often. It's ridiculous.

The second reason is my compulsive spending and shopping sprees. When I am manic, the first thing I seem to do is go spend money I don't have. Which is why my credit cards are pretty much maxed out. People who are not bipolar seem to think, "Well, that's easy. Just stop spending." Yeah? No way! I never would have thought of that on my own. I mean, come on! Yes, I know that seems like an easy solution. And when I am not manic, I don't spend. I recognize the need to not spend, and I stick to it. But the thing about being manic, at least for me, is that I lose that sense of  reality. Of consequences. I don't think ahead. I don't stop and think, "I shouldn't buy this because I don't have money." In fact, I don't think at all. I just buy things (mostly music, dvds, and clothes) because I want those things, and it will make me feel good at that moment. And it is really hard to recognize it at first. It usually isn't until after I've spend a couple hundred dollars that it hits me that maybe I'm manic. Then I'll sit down and really think about my actions and attitude for the past few days or weeks, and usually then I realize that yeah, I am manic. But of course, by then, it's too late. Damage is done, money is gone.

I've gotten a little better at trying to stop myself before I spend too much. I've made a self-imposed rule that I must ask my husband first before I buy anything that is over $20. And usually, knowing I need this "permission" is enough to stop me and make me think. But other times, I really don't care, and I do it anyway. It's so frustrating, knowing that I am causing all of this stress with our finances because of my both my physical AND mental health. I keep trying to control myself when I become manic. But it's not easy, because I like when I am manic. I feel happy. Ok, I also feel highly agitated and have a quick temper too, but I love the I'm-happy-and-I-don't-care feeling. I love that I am able to be myself around others, and converse with them without feeling such low self worth, always wondering what people think of me. And another plus is that my house always gets a little cleaner when I'm manic. But the spending part of being manic, that is what is hurting us the most.

I feel like such a burden, monetarily as well as emotionally. And it hurts a lot to know that. I don't want to be a burden. Especially to those I love. And when I fall into depression, that feeling weighs down on me so heavily. It just ends up being one of the reasons why I feel like I don't deserve what I have, and that I don't deserve to live. Not if I am nothing but a burden.

I like being manic, but I hate the over-spending that inevitably results from it. I am tired of regretting past actions and decisions. I am tired of feeling so bad because the insurmountable debt we are in is mostly my fault.

Losing a loved one

I've been having a hard time lately. Trying to sort things out. I am struggling a lot with having Diabetes. I've become so negative, even though I have been trying to stay relatively positive. And as if all the joys of Diabetes hasn't been enough to cope with, my dear grandfather passed away a few weeks ago and I've been feeling miserable ever since. Well, ok, I was feeling miserable before he died. But now, even more so. I miss him deeply. I really do.

When my grandma called me, crying, and told me that my grandpa had surgery, was taken off of life support, and didn't have long to live... I don't even really know how to describe how I felt. My heart sank, I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes teared up, and I got a lump in my throat. I could barely utter a word. As she relayed the details, it felt like I could barely breathe. It felt like someone had thrust a knife into my heart, and the pain I experienced inside was almost too much to bear. We drove 12 hours to be there with my family, and for the funeral. On the way up there, we received news that he had passed away. The only thing that brought me comfort was the fact that he was no longer suffereing. From the sounds of it, he suffered a lot in the last 2 weeks or so of his life.

I tried really hard to keep it together at the viewing and at the funeral. I hate to cry and be vulnerable in front of people. Especially people I love. But I was unsuccessful. Seeing the heartache my grandma was experiencing was tormenting. I felt so useless and helpless. I wanted so badly to make her, my uncle, and great uncle feel better.

We were at the funeral home for the viewing from 1pm-8:30pm. Seeing my grandpa laid out was so difficult. It brought me instantly to tears. [And just being in that funeral home in itself was terrible. It was the same funeral home that my father was laid out in.] My uncle had placed photographs on boards for people to look at, which were displayed alongside my grandpa's coffin. His army uniform and photo album of his army days were also on display. Looking at those photos brought back a lot of happy memories. And I think that is what made it hurt so much worse. All those good times, and the fact that there will be no more. That, the next time I walk into my grandma's house, he won't be there.

And as if this wasn't difficult enough to deal with, every person who knew my grandpa well told me and my sister how my grandpa loved us so much, and we were all he ever talked about. They told us how proud he was of 'his girls'. My grandma even put a picture of my sister and I in the coffin with him. Not a picture of his two sons. Just a picture of his only two grandchildren, and a picture of his beloved cat. Now all I can think of is how I feel like I let him down. Like I could've done more to spend time with him. I should've told him more that I love him.

I guess you never really want to think about how the people you love won't always be there. But in this world, it is a fact that we all will die. What I find strange, is that while I have no problem with the thought of ME dying, I can't bear the thought of others dying. This whole experience made me really think. I saw how much my grandpa's death affected my grandma. And how much it affected and hurt me. It made me dwell on how my death would affect my husband, mom, sister, grandparents. Especially if my death was a result of suicide. More often than not I want my life and pain to end, and I feel I don't deserve to live. But I never want to put my family through the pain of losing a loved one either. I would never want them to blame themselves for my death, as I've seen people whose spouses committed suicide blame themselves. But really, at the same time, I struggle each and every day with feelings of wanting to just die. Ugh.

If anything good at all came out of such a grievous situation though, it was that I was able to meet a few men that had grown up with my father. They were able to tell my sister and I all kinds of stories and things we didn't know about my dad. While they were talking, it was easy to tell how fond they were of him, and what good friends they were. One of them was even in tears, when he related how he tried to talk to him about his drinking, and not giving up on his family and all that he had. There is something about a man crying, being so sincere, caring so much for someone you loved dearly, that just breaks your heart. He emphasized several times to us that the way my dad was in the last few years of his life - with his drinking - that was not really my dad. That was not the kind of man he was, that he let the alcohol eventually control him, He wanted to make sure that was not the way we remembered him as. I think that is so sweet, that he wanted us to know who my dad REALLY was, that is, before the alcohol. It was really nice to hear all the good things they had to say about my dad. Ugh. I miss him so very much too.

Therapy

A while back, I tried to go to therapy. But I wasn't comfortable with my therapist and I didn't feel like it was going to help. Or maybe I just wasn't ready for it. I don't know.

About two and a half months ago I acknowleged that if I really wanted to help myself, I needed to go to therapy. My psychiatrist referred me to one, and I started going just a couple days later. I am so happy I did. It has been so helpful. My therapist is really nice, and towards the end of my first session with her she helped me with a list of goals; things I wanted to accomplish in therapy.

She's helping me with my overwhelming guilt over past mistakes, my self esteem, and trying to identify triggers that may send me into a manic or depressive episode.

One of the things she told me was that I needed to take at least 10 minutes a day to do something I love. That advice got me to start drawing and painting again. It had been years since I had done any drawing. I forgot how much I really loved it. She also recommended making up a schedule. That helps too, because when I can check something off of my list of things to do, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

So far, I think its going quite well. I am hoping going to therapy will really help me. I need it to.

Recap

It's been a long time since I've posted, and so much has happened since then. A close friend of ours passed away, a week after being rushed to the hospital for a torn aorta. Then the man who is like a father to me, he fell and broke his hip. And because of his blood count being so low, and his bad heart, they had to wait almost 2 weeks before doing surgery. I was so worried he wouldn't make it through the surgery, but everything went well and he's okay.

Through all of that, I was on the mood stabalizer Saphris, and no anti-depressant. Just 5 mg once at night. But it made me so irritable and negative. Everything agitated me. I was constantly snapping at everyone. I had to stop taking it after a month and a half.

Then I went for several doctor appointments and 3 blood tests, to see if they could help figure out what is wrong with me. (Physically, that is.) And unfortunately, five days ago the endocrinologist told me I have Type 2 Diabetes. I felt so upset and hopeless for the first three days following that. It was just another thing to add to the growing list of things that are wrong with me. I very quickly became discouraged and depressed. I'm tired of feeling so miserable and physically ill, and more often than not I just want to end my misery. I'm coping a little better today, and I'm trying to make the most of it. But its not easy at all.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and I will be taking Lamictal starting next week. Since I just started taking Metformin to help regulate my blood glucose levels, and will be doubling my dose in two days, we figured it best to wait a week before starting another prescription. I just hope that this one works. I'm so tired of trying new meds every couple months.

Mood shift

Today I am feeling very empowered and motivated. Much more than usual. I'm probably a little hypomanic. I say this because one day I was extremely depressed and down about having no friends, no life, etc. Then the next day I quickly developed a 'who gives a damn' mentality, and I really don't care that my friends seem to hate me. I feel determined to change my looks. I want to go shopping and get some new clothes. I am going to go have my hair cut and colored. Mentally I feel great, although I do feel short tempered and irritable. But after months of crying, it feels pretty good to not care and to be mentally free of those issues that consumed my every thought. Is it bad that I am enjoying this? Because this sure beats being sad and suicidal.

Depression

I feel so foolish for sharing my feelings sometimes. I don't know why I bother. I should know better. I guess you could say that my doing so is a cry for help. But it's not like I'm looking for pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want someone to understand, to relate.

I was rereading my blog post from June 28th, entitled 'sadness', and I feel exactly as I did then. And with every cycle, every depression I go through, it is always the same. The reasons almost never change. But the intensity of my feelings do get stronger. They get worse. I've been through 6 years of this crap so far, and every depressive episode is worse than the last. I know some people think that I like being sad. But I really do not think this is true. I want and need relief. I'd give anything to make this stop. Because even if I make it out alive through this depressive episode, it is only a matter of weeks or a couple months before I will be right back here. Only I am sure next time will be worse. It always is.

Sadly, if I could choose, I'd rather be manic. Because even though my thoughts, feelings and actions are volatile and much different than my 'normal' self, at least I wouldn't be severely depressed and want to end my life. I know I am sometimes afraid to try to really live my life. But this is not ever why I contemplate taking my life. It is always in an effort to stop the overwhelming heartache and pain I feel inside. I've had moderate to severe depression a lot in my life, for various reasons. But having depression that is due to a mental illness seems different. I find it harder to handle and cope with. And much harder to overcome. I really hate this.

Another low

I wish I had the courage and strength that others have, to truly live. I feel unbelievably inadequate in so many ways. I've been crying almost nonstop for days now. I just want this sinking dreadful feeling of being useless and worthless to go away. It's a relentless sharp pain deep in my heart. I feel so empty. So very sad. And it seems that everything reminds me of things I don't want to think about. I know I am falling fast into a severe depression once again. I really hate this. I feel so worthless. I need this pain to stop. It is getting very difficult to handle the heartache. Damn. What I wouldn't give to have someone hold me close right now. Maybe somehow it could ease my pain and tears. I don't remember the last time I was held close and really felt safe, secure and loved. It's been quite a long time, and I miss it so much. I need that kind of loving support and reassurance. But I can't make anyone do something that they don't want to do.

I know people say it is selfish to take one's life. But isn't it selfish too, if I stay around knowing that I am nothing but a burden and cause of pain to the people I care about? For the very few who do care, sure they might be sad if I die, but then they can move on and live happier without me bringing them down. But the longer I am here, the more they'd end up suffering, having to deal with me. I don't ever want to hurt the people I love, in any way. But these feelings I have, this pain, the heartache; it is so extreme. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much longer I can cope.

A small bit of hope

It is 6 a.m. and I am laying here in bed, unable to sleep. I'm just not tired. In fact, I've been awake all night. And I don't really know why. But, before I even try to sleep, I have one thing on my mind.

It amazes me how much one little thing, even as simple as an online message from a dear friend who is far away, can make such a difference. I mean, my whole friendship with them means so much. But tonight, their message meant a lot. At a time when I felt no one cares if I even exist... that message was just what I needed. To hear that I was missed made me feel less alone. It renewed a little bit of hope in me, that maybe my life isn't as pointless as it feels. In that moment I was happy. I wish I could hold onto this smile. But I know all too well that nothing good ever seems to last, no matter how much I want them to.

This is no life

It amazes me; all the unique and special abilities, talents, and skills that people can have. Their good qualities that seem to help make this world not feel so harsh.

I always thought I was a good person. I always wanted to help others, and it never mattered to me what I had to give up to help them. Lately though, it seems I cause more heartache and problems for the people I care about. I make no useful contribution to their lives, nor to anyone or anything. I don't have any useful talents or skills. And with all the medication I am on, I sure as hell don't feel smart anymore.

I honestly just sit at home, doing nothing. My health- both physical and mental- just keeps getting worse. And there is so very little I can do about it. I have like two friends, that I hardly ever see anymore, and family who is so far away. My life is nothing more than taking up space between the walls of this house. I'm never going to do anything great or special. I'm no one, and it sucks. I hate myself, and I hate my life, if you can even call this living.

I used to be so full of hope. My life used to have meaning; a purpose. Now I sit here crying, wishing I could no longer exist. To no longer "be". I'm beyond miserable. And the worst part? No one even notices or cares.

The past few months

It's been awhile since I wrote my thoughts here. And with how I've been lately, I thought it might help to get it out. I haven't really been the same since August of this year. Three months.

I came back from visiting family in August, and things went downhill from there. Fast. See, whenever I go home, I am quickly reminded of the people I miss dearly. And even though I have a couple people here that I care about, the grief and emptiness I feel when I come back here is always so overwhelming. And maybe too its because when I am here, there is a constant reminder of my bleak reality. Reminders of how I can't do much at all because of my health. I feel like such a bad housewife. I can't ever seem to keep the house clean, I rarely cook, I cannot work. All too often I feel like I have no purpose at all. I feel beyond worthless. It doesn't help that I have so few friends, none of which can truly relate to me. I feel so alone. And even though those few who care tell me they love me, it is difficult to believe them. I feel so worthless.

Well, within days of my returning here, I was severely depressed. And suicidal. A timely previously-scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist led to an increase in my anti depressant. Which helped for a little while.

Then came October. Specifically, October 17th. The 10 year anniversary of my father's death. It was really hard on me. Even though he had his issues and wasn't perfect, I miss him. I really do.

All the while I'd been dealing with my bad health getting worse. It was estimated that my liver was functioning at around 17% at that time. I was feeling especially suicidal and decided to use that knowledge. I drank. A lot. And of course I consumed plenty of pills along with the alcohol. I remember I just sat on the couch, crying. Crying so hard that my insides hurt. My heart hurt in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. I wanted all the emotional pain and anguish to stop.

Well, the alcohol made me violently ill, and I spent the evening throwing up and still crying. All the while still feeling all the sadness inside. The disappointment I have, of things I've done, who I am, and of course all the things I can't do or be.

The alcohol of course hurt my liver even more, bringing the percentage of how it was functioning down to 8%. I've been sick ever since. Days going through physical withdrawal from certain pills I took that day. Then I had the flu. Then I never got rid of that "not well", feeling and soon developed a cold and now bronchitis.

All the depression along with being sick, I again feel myself sliding more towards not wanting to live. I'm such a damn burden, and I contribute nothing that is worthwhile to anyone or anything. I feel so empty and lonely. Every day I wake up and dread even getting out of bed. There just doesn't seem to be any point anymore.

In the past few years, life feels like nothing but a sick joke. I'm tired of it all. A tormenting cycle of mistakes, severe depression, and unsuccessful suicide attempts. I often catch myself wondering, "why the hell can't I just die??"

So-Called Friends

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true, and who would risk it all for you."

"I showed you the sunshine, made you forget the pain. You showed me the darkness, and left me in the rain."

"The biggest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love and to be hated by a person for whom you care."




'A Fake Friend'

Friends aren't supposed to leave you
Not when they said they'd care
Friends who turn around and run
When hard times they wouldn't bear
All the good things, the memories
We so happily once shared
Now bring me hurt and misery
Pain, heartache; I'm despaired


I believed in you and was a fool
I'll now take care, be wise 
The worst part is knowing that
all you said were only lies
Good at getting what you want
Of which I do despise
Should've known you didn't care
When I looked into your eyes


My heart torn and damaged
I no longer find the joy
With even the little things in life
Since you played me like a toy
Tears streaming from my eyes
Our friendship you destroyed
You've used me for the last time
I hope your life you do enjoy...
GOODBYE!!!



Yes, I just wrote that poem.
Why do I do this to myself? I think my problem is that I care way too much about people. I want to help them. And I trust too easily. I put my heart out there, to be a friend. I do all I can to help, show how much I care, and love that person unconditionally, but it always ends up the same way; with me getting hurt. You think I'd learn my lesson by now. I am sick and tired of being back-stabbed, lied to, manipulated and used. I am tired of being judged because of my past or my illness. Neither of those things is who I am. But it seems most people cannot look past those things.

It's too bad, because I am a good person. I know I'm far from perfect, but I try my very best. I'm the kind of person who gives up my own comfort so that someone else doesn't have to hurt or suffer. I care so much about my friends. But it seems they never really care back. They just use me and get what they can from me, and then they turn around and stab me in the back in some way or another. Well, my latest friend who did this, really broke my heart. And while I am so sad, and I miss them, I know I deserve to be treated better than this. No one should have to endure such verbal abuse like that. I've got enough issues I deal with - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I really don't need any more negativity in my life.

It's a shame when friendships end in this tragic way. But, I guess what doesn't kill us is supposed to make us stronger. I will move on with my life, take the lessons I've learned, and hope I don't make the same mistakes ever again. I just wish it was easy to erase someone you cared for so much from your mind. Because despite all the hurt and pain, for some reason, I still miss that person. And I cry just thinking about it. Shoot, I must be REALLY messed up. What is WRONG with me?

Doctors can be so useless

I am really starting to think that doctors in general are just useless. Sure, they can help for the little things. But God forbid you have an issue they can't figure out. Then, they start throwing pills at you. Take this. Oh, that didn't work? Here, try this one. I am tired of this! It is bad enough that I am already taking enough pills for bipolar, thyroid, PCOS, and my back injury. I don't need a doctor giving me random pills on the off chance they might work. How about doing some tests? Having a headache for a month straight can't be normal. I told her I hit my hear really hard a few months ago. That didn't seem to matter to her. If it was me, I'd have done an MRI or x-ray by now. But, no.

First her brilliant idea is for me to stop taking all pain medications for a week. No ibuprofen, aspirin, sudafed, pain killers, nothing. Which by the way, did not make my headache go away, and it made me feel unnecessary suffering with my back for a week, which made me absolutely miserable.

So then she gives me a different kind of muscle relaxers than I usually take for my back. Supposedly this other kind helps with headaches caused by muscles. Ok. So, I tried it. Took it at night like she told me to, for a few days. But i had to stop taking it. When I woke up in the morning, I felt like I had a terrible hangover. It was really not fun.

So then at the beginning of this week, she puts me on an anti depressant. For my headache. Um, ok...? At which point I started wondering how smart that is. Hey, let's give this girl, who is bipolar, and is on a mood stabilizer and an anti depressant already, another anti depressant to see if her headache goes away. I don't understand this reasoning at all. And when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, I asked the pharmacist if taking a second anti depressant will mess with me or the fact that I am already on one, etc. And, without looking at any of my information, he says "no, it shouldn't." Oh, thank you so much for making me feel so safe coming to you for advice on my medications.

So, I call my primary physician this afternoon, to tell her that her wonderful plan of putting me on a second anti depressant has yet to work, and that I am fed up with being in all of this pain. Her answer? I almost couldn't believe it while I heard it. Basically, according to her, she has given me all the medications she can think of to get rid of my headache. So, if I want, she can set me up with a neurologist which may take weeks or months to get into, or I can go to the emergency room and see if they can give me something. Ok, now I have to decide to either wait forever to see a different doctor, or go to the emergency room. And what makes it even better, is that my deductible for hospital / ER visits isn't cheap. What the hell. I guess I have no choice. Ibuprofen, aspirin, Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen, muscle relaxers, heat, ice, sudafed, drinking more water... argh! nothing has helped at all.

So, what the hell?! Has the medical world gone freakin nuts? Or is it just me? I am still debating on what to do. I should probably just go to the ER. I have had enough of this headache. Bleh.

People puzzle me

I don't understand how anyone could be so nasty, vindictive, and just plain mean. Maybe because I am nothing like that. And my best friends and family are not like that at all either. I feel pity for people who are so selfish, insecure, and have so much hate inside, that they take it out on others that they supposedly care about. It's a shame, because by doing so, they will only make their own lives miserable, pushing away people who care. It's very sad that often those people end up all alone with no one. What kind of life is that? Surely not a happy, fulfilling one. And yet they do it to themselves anyways. =(

Sadness

Have you ever tried so hard to fight back the tears welling up in your eyes? To fake being ok while inside your soul is just dying? It's not even an issue of feeling worthless and alone much anymore. I've gone over all the many things that make me feel how I am feeling right now, a thousand times. Those things, those issues, they never change. At least not for the better.
It's like as time goes by, the reality of my situation sinks in deeper and deeper. Like a poison slowly killing my spirit. It's a sad realization I must face that this is my sad pathetic life, and it's not going to change. I'd like to think it might, but I know better. And the feelings it stirs up in me are dreadful. I have not only so much sadness in my heart, but also a lot of anger. I am so mad at myself and my illnesses. I feel like my whole life is now out of my control, which ironically is mostly my fault. I'd give anything to be happy.
It's been so long since I've sincerely smiled, since I've felt true joy. And the few times I do smile, it's because of kind people I barely know. People who more than likely could not help me anymore than I could help myself.
And love. I want so badly to feel loved. It breaks my heart that those who claim to love me only hurt me in someway or another. I wish so much to be held close, to feel secure in a man's embrace. I want to be kissed softly on the lips. I want a man to say something sweet to me and actually mean it, and not just because he's trying to use me.
Oh well. A girl can dream, can't she? It seems dreams are all I have to keep me going nowadays. The small glimmer of hope those dreams give me are the reason I bother to even get out of bed most days.
I am so fed up with just being technically alive. I want to live. Really live. I am fed up with all that my life has turned out to be because of my stupid mistakes. I am fed up with the illness I have, both mental and physical. And I am fed up with taking pills to mask symptoms and faking smiles to avoid reality. I'm so close to being done with it all. No, I'm not suicidal... yet. I just envy those people who have something to live for. It just doesn't seem fair.

Decisions

"Whatever results you’re getting, be they rich or poor, good or bad, positive or negative, always remember that your outer world is simply a reflection of your inner world. If things aren’t going well in your outer life, it’s because things aren’t going well in your inner life. It’s that simple."

~  T. Harv Eker

I've been thinking so much lately. Where did all my happiness go? My positive outlook? The simple joys and pleasures in life? It seems like I am nothing but a shell of the person I used to be. I barely even smile anymore. I don't enjoy my every day life. My thoughts are usually consumed by the never-ending aches and pains I feel. Not to mention the feeling that my life has become pointless, that it has no more meaning. I don't go to school. I don't work. I don't volunteer my time teaching anymore. I usually stay home and rest, because the physical pain I am in makes it difficult to do things I need to get done, like cleaning. And the mental exhaustion and emotional pain I feel makes me feel so unmotivated to do anything. I don't even do the things I used to enjoy doing anymore.

And on top of that, I feel so lost. I know what I want. I know what I need. The problem is, sometimes they seem like very different things. I guess I am just scared. I am seriously doubting my purpose in life, I feel inadequate in so many aspects, and I never feel "good enough" for anything or anyone. I know I need to do something. Anything. Because sitting here, watching the world pass me by, is doing nothing but making me feel more down. Why does my life, and the road to happiness, seem so complicated? I just don't know what to do.

Medication updates

So, four weeks ago (a day after my psychiatrist had increased my Lithium and decreased my Cymbalta) my primary doctor put me on Metformin. Basically, it is a medication usually given to people who have type 2 diabetes. I do not have diabetes, but I have PCOS and therefore, high blood sugar. The medicine is supposed to help control the amount of glucose (sugar) in my blood, decrease the amount of glucose I absorb from my food and the amount of glucose made by my liver, as well as increase my body's response to insulin.

Well, my doctor mentioned ever so briefly that I should watch my diet and eat healthy. She really could have been more specific. Like, for instance, she could have specified that I really need to limit the starches I eat. That would have been helpful. See, for at least 2 weeks I was so unbelievably sick. Felt sick to my stomach, intestinal issues, headaches... in short, I felt like crap. If I ate, I felt sick. If I didn't eat, I felt sick. Then finally my sister in law, who is an EMT, told me to avoid starches. It's amazing how much of a difference that made. I mean, I was eating healthy, but I was still eating starches too.

Turns out, that there are a lot of starchy foods that I would normally eat. Bread, pasta, rice, cereal, potatoes, corn, to name a few. It took a few days after cutting almost all starches out until I started to feel better, but I am so glad it worked. I feel a ton better! I just hope that this medicine does its job.

And thankfully, the Lithium seems to be doing its job quite well. I am no longer hypomanic. And I haven't gone into depression again. I have, though, been kind of irritable and my patience seems to be running short, but I could think of a reason or two why that might be, which I won't even get into. But anyways, despite that, I actually feel kind of "normal", if there even is such a thing. And it feels great to just feel relatively happy. I haven't felt like this in so very long. I like it. But I know it will not last forever. I know sooner or later I will go towards an extreme, either high or low. It's inevitable. I just hope it is later than sooner...

Dreams

Less than a month away, I will officially be a year older. Thinking about that makes me sad. And it's not just because I am getting older. I am sad because I have allowed yet another year of my life to just pass me by. I've done nothing with my life so far. Nothing important at least. It seems my life here on this earth has been a waste.
The other day a friend of mine asked me what my dreams for my life are. You know, I don't really have any specific dreams. I've become so weighed down with my health problems, my issues and my past that I have forgotten to really live. And the sad part is that I am not even sure I know how to really live. How to dream. How to have hope. It all seems so foreign to me sometimes.
I envy those happy people with their happy lives. Why is it so hard for me to be happy? It doesn't seem fair. But then again, perhaps this is the life I deserve after all. It just sucks, and it is hard for me to accept such a bleak future. I want so much more.

Let's rethink this

So, I've always wanted kids. I love children. But, recently I had decided to put that off seeing as how I should really focus on my mental health first before even thinking about getting pregnant. And, of course, I don't really think I should bring a child into this world knowing that there is a good possibility that I pass my issues on to them. Well, yesterday, I was reminded of yet another reason why I may not want children.

Yesterday I was subjected to my 8 year old nephew who has ADHD. The day started off okay. Then came the hour I needed to watch him for his mother, while she was in a consult with a doctor. An hour with him in a waiting room full of people. Oh, and by the way, he is not currently on any medications for his ADHD.

I don't even know how to describe the hell I went through, trying to keep him under control and getting him to do his school work while trying not to lose my cool. As I've mentioned, I've been hypomanic. I have like no patience for anything at all, and I get very irritable and frustrated easily. I swear I wanted to kill the child at one point. And I would've smacked him on the rear if I knew it wouldn't have caused even more of a scene. I really did not want any more attention drawn to us. It was bad enough that everyone on our side of the waiting room kept staring. And I am sure others were too. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.

In that hour, he managed to piss me off, aggravate others, disrupt the peace in the waiting room, and only got one math sheet done. His mother came out of the consult, and I just looked at her. I didn't even really have to say anything to her. She just knew.

I was hoping that with her around again he'd start to behave a little better. Because he is usually not that bad. But of course not. He was acting terrible, running his mouth at every opportunity he could. By the time we finally made our way back from running around, several hours later, we had all had enough. So, it made me feel a little better that it wasn't just me who felt that way.

Either way, I thought about it, and I really couldn't handle a child like that. Not with my extreme mood swings and what not. I must say, watching him was great birth control. And the way I see it, that is saving me a lot of money. Because I know kids are not cheap. Not to mention the amounts of meds and the therapy I'd have to be in to handle having children and not end up killing them.