Extreme agitation

I have been hypomanic for weeks now. At first it was great. I was in such a great mood, I had all kinds of energy, and I was so motivated to accomplish so much. I still have the energy and all the ideas and motivation, but now I have a very high surge of negative thinking to deal with too. I have been extremely irritable, agitated, and angry. It's like I have so much internal rage, and every one seems to irritate the hell out of me. I'm beginning to feel violent. I keep snapping at people, giving a ton of attitude, and I have an overwhelming desire to start punching stupid people and throwing things. And, I've had so many panic attacks, along with the feeling of high anxiety almost all day, every day. This... this can't be good. I haven't punched anyone yet, but I have thrown things. I just want to scream. Or cry. Anything to get this agitation out of my system.

My psychiatrist increased my Lamictal to 200mg, and put me on Geodon 20mg two times a day. But it's been almost 4 weeks now, and it's not getting better. I think it's actually getting worse. I'm at a loss. I keep trying to channel my energy and control the anger. I keep trying to relax, stay calm, and avoid people and situations that could cause more negative feelings and reactions. But it's not working so well. This is not me at all. I am usually laid back, calm, kind and forgiving. I feel like I am losing it. And the worst part is, is that while I don't really care if I hurt myself, I am terrified that my rage and agitation will escalate to the point where I do end up hurting somebody else. Only once have I ever been even close to this extreme before. It was what made me realize that something was not right with me; it was what pushed me to go see a psychiatrist.

I need help, and I need it now.

Let's rethink this

So, I've always wanted kids. I love children. But, recently I had decided to put that off seeing as how I should really focus on my mental health first before even thinking about getting pregnant. And, of course, I don't really think I should bring a child into this world knowing that there is a good possibility that I pass my issues on to them. Well, yesterday, I was reminded of yet another reason why I may not want children.

Yesterday I was subjected to my 8 year old nephew who has ADHD. The day started off okay. Then came the hour I needed to watch him for his mother, while she was in a consult with a doctor. An hour with him in a waiting room full of people. Oh, and by the way, he is not currently on any medications for his ADHD.

I don't even know how to describe the hell I went through, trying to keep him under control and getting him to do his school work while trying not to lose my cool. As I've mentioned, I've been hypomanic. I have like no patience for anything at all, and I get very irritable and frustrated easily. I swear I wanted to kill the child at one point. And I would've smacked him on the rear if I knew it wouldn't have caused even more of a scene. I really did not want any more attention drawn to us. It was bad enough that everyone on our side of the waiting room kept staring. And I am sure others were too. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.

In that hour, he managed to piss me off, aggravate others, disrupt the peace in the waiting room, and only got one math sheet done. His mother came out of the consult, and I just looked at her. I didn't even really have to say anything to her. She just knew.

I was hoping that with her around again he'd start to behave a little better. Because he is usually not that bad. But of course not. He was acting terrible, running his mouth at every opportunity he could. By the time we finally made our way back from running around, several hours later, we had all had enough. So, it made me feel a little better that it wasn't just me who felt that way.

Either way, I thought about it, and I really couldn't handle a child like that. Not with my extreme mood swings and what not. I must say, watching him was great birth control. And the way I see it, that is saving me a lot of money. Because I know kids are not cheap. Not to mention the amounts of meds and the therapy I'd have to be in to handle having children and not end up killing them.

Feeling good

Yesterday I was pretty depressed. I slept all morning and I stayed at home to avoid socializing with friends of mine. I felt miserable overall.

But today I am the complete opposite. It feels good, because I've been so depressed for months now... but it's scary too. Because this isn't just a good mood. I almost feel high. I have racing thoughts, and I can't seem to stop talking. And while I am talking, I keep switching subjects. I was talking to my love and he let me know when I changed topics drastically, which seemed to be every few sentences or so.

Also, I went out with a friend this afternoon, and we went shopping. Shopping sprees are one of the indiscretions I get involved in while hypomanic. We went to my favorite clothing store... and it was just a recipe for disaster. I ended up buying clothes I could not afford. In fact, $168 worth. It felt so good to shop and try clothes on. And when I bought them, I sure as hell wasn't thinking it was a bad idea. In fact, I am pretty sure I wasn't thinking about anything besides that I wanted those clothes. Even now, I know we have NO money, but I really don't care, and I don't feel bad about spending. That's not like me, to spend so much on myself and not care.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds for me. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to go back into depression, but I don't wanna be hypomanic either. Because the chances of me becoming hypersexual are way to high. And I really do not want to do anything stupid or foolish again. I live with enough regret and guilt from past indiscretions while hypomanic. I don't want any more.