Medication updates

So, four weeks ago (a day after my psychiatrist had increased my Lithium and decreased my Cymbalta) my primary doctor put me on Metformin. Basically, it is a medication usually given to people who have type 2 diabetes. I do not have diabetes, but I have PCOS and therefore, high blood sugar. The medicine is supposed to help control the amount of glucose (sugar) in my blood, decrease the amount of glucose I absorb from my food and the amount of glucose made by my liver, as well as increase my body's response to insulin.

Well, my doctor mentioned ever so briefly that I should watch my diet and eat healthy. She really could have been more specific. Like, for instance, she could have specified that I really need to limit the starches I eat. That would have been helpful. See, for at least 2 weeks I was so unbelievably sick. Felt sick to my stomach, intestinal issues, headaches... in short, I felt like crap. If I ate, I felt sick. If I didn't eat, I felt sick. Then finally my sister in law, who is an EMT, told me to avoid starches. It's amazing how much of a difference that made. I mean, I was eating healthy, but I was still eating starches too.

Turns out, that there are a lot of starchy foods that I would normally eat. Bread, pasta, rice, cereal, potatoes, corn, to name a few. It took a few days after cutting almost all starches out until I started to feel better, but I am so glad it worked. I feel a ton better! I just hope that this medicine does its job.

And thankfully, the Lithium seems to be doing its job quite well. I am no longer hypomanic. And I haven't gone into depression again. I have, though, been kind of irritable and my patience seems to be running short, but I could think of a reason or two why that might be, which I won't even get into. But anyways, despite that, I actually feel kind of "normal", if there even is such a thing. And it feels great to just feel relatively happy. I haven't felt like this in so very long. I like it. But I know it will not last forever. I know sooner or later I will go towards an extreme, either high or low. It's inevitable. I just hope it is later than sooner...

Being myself

I can count on one hand how many people I can truly be myself around. To not have to put up any false pretenses and to not have to try and be someone I am not. Unfortunately, though, of the four that come to my mind, two of them are my dogs. How sad is that? But really, they are probably the most loyal. They never judge me, they are always there for me. Especially if I am having a bad day emotionally or mentally. They follow me closely from room to room, never leaving my side. They always sense when something is wrong. And when i cry, they cuddle up to me, as if they were trying to console me. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them around. There is something so relaxing about petting and holding my dogs close when I am feeling hurt or upset. I love my babies.

As for the others I feel comfortable around - even then, sometimes, I feel like I need to be careful about what I say or what I reveal about myself. Not that I have any intentions of hiding myself from them. But I get scared as to what they may say to me or how they could view me if I am completely honest. Like, for instance, I don't always tell them what is going on in my head, because I am sure they would not understand some of it or why I think that way.

I've been withdrawing from people I usually have contact with during the week, including family. It's probably the depression making me feel like I do not want to be around anyone. I feel so... I don't know. Forlorn. Empty. Useless. Life feels hopeless and meaningless. I don't feel like killing myself or anything, but I sure don't have the will or energy to live, either. I've been on this stupid Lithium for almost 3 weeks now, and I have seen little change in my mood. This is beyond frustrating. I am sick and tired of feeling so depressed. This is not me. Though, I've come to wonder about who I really am, because I am starting to lose my own identity it seems.

Medications

At what point do the benefits of medication outweigh the side effects? I wonder sometimes. In the past 4 years or so, I've had my medications changed several times. Some worked for a while, others, not so much. Some gave me terrible side effects, and that made it necessary to go off of them.

A few months ago, I was taken off of Abilify because of intolerable side effects. But I was kept on an anti-depressant. Then they changed my anti-depressant because it wasn't working. Well, the new one alone hasn't been working, so he decided to put me on another mood stabilizer, Lithium. Now, I know that many have taken this medication and it has helped them. I've been on it for 5 days only, so I haven't seen any change yet. But I must say, after reading all the warnings, drug interactions, and side effects, I am scared! I hate change. I hate taking new medications, no matter what it is. And after reading all of that, it make me even more afraid. Which may sound silly to some people, but, I have enough health problems as it is, I don't really need any medications causing more.

I know the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are an important part of helping me not go off the deep end. And seeing as how I try so hard to be "normal", I keep on trying the medications my psychiatrist puts me on. It's sad though. Its almost like in the back of my head, I wish one of them would be a cure-all, magical pill. Like suddenly I won't have to deal with 'all of this' anymore. Even though I know that is not possible. I know I will deal with this crap for as long as I am alive.

I've been deeply depressed for long enough now. It is so very tiring- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I hope the Lithium helps the anti-depressant work better. And soon. I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I want so badly to just be normal. To be "in control". And, it'd be nice if certain people (like my mom for instance) could really understand what it is I go through, every day. Because "normal" people - while some try to sympathize, they can't fully understand or comprehend what those with bipolar disorder experience.